The NFL, now so wildly profitable it defies ethics and gravity, has decided to tackle the CTE crisis by branding it, sponsoring it, and possibly turning it into a halftime show.

The Mavericks somehow landed the No. 1 pick after GM Nico Harrison allegedly did unspeakable things and Mark Cuban summoned dark billionaire magic.

Ohtani says the whole thing is one big multi-million dollar misunderstanding and claims he tried telling people he was born in Wisconsin to South Korean immigrants but no one wanted to listen.

Homeland Security subpoenaed California over wild claims it’s giving illegal immigrants cash, cupcakes, and jet skis—basically a game show prize package. State officials replied, “If only we had that kind of budget for everyone.”

“Joe’s aging was always gradual, measured,” a longtime friend of Jill Biden said on condition of anonymity. “But with Mitch, she sees something rawer. More visceral. When he freezes mid-sentence or loses his balance, she says it feels like time itself is fragile.

RFK Jr. stunned the nation today by revealing his famously strained voice isn’t from a disorder — he just thought it made him sound more relatable. Doctors are furious. America is confused. And apparently, he sings like a damn Disney prince.

President Trump has reopened Alcatraz as TRAZ — a “definitely not-a-prison” re-education zone for the unpatriotic. Critics call it dystopian cosplay; the White House calls it “a scenic reboot for freedom-deficient Americans.”

Cops found a backpack full of felonies but forgot the warrant — possibly because Luigi Mangione’s jawline temporarily suspended their knowledge of the Constitution.

MLB eyes wild changes—like stripping, shock collars, and fan-controlled drones—to make baseball less of a televised nap.

The NFL, now so wildly profitable it defies ethics and gravity, has decided to tackle the CTE crisis by branding it, sponsoring it, and possibly turning it into a halftime show.

The Mavericks somehow landed the No. 1 pick after GM Nico Harrison allegedly did unspeakable things and Mark Cuban summoned dark billionaire magic.

Ohtani says the whole thing is one big multi-million dollar misunderstanding and claims he tried telling people he was born in Wisconsin to South Korean immigrants but no one wanted to listen.

Homeland Security subpoenaed California over wild claims it’s giving illegal immigrants cash, cupcakes, and jet skis—basically a game show prize package. State officials replied, “If only we had that kind of budget for everyone.”

“Joe’s aging was always gradual, measured,” a longtime friend of Jill Biden said on condition of anonymity. “But with Mitch, she sees something rawer. More visceral. When he freezes mid-sentence or loses his balance, she says it feels like time itself is fragile.

RFK Jr. stunned the nation today by revealing his famously strained voice isn’t from a disorder — he just thought it made him sound more relatable. Doctors are furious. America is confused. And apparently, he sings like a damn Disney prince.

President Trump has reopened Alcatraz as TRAZ — a “definitely not-a-prison” re-education zone for the unpatriotic. Critics call it dystopian cosplay; the White House calls it “a scenic reboot for freedom-deficient Americans.”

Cops found a backpack full of felonies but forgot the warrant — possibly because Luigi Mangione’s jawline temporarily suspended their knowledge of the Constitution.

MLB eyes wild changes—like stripping, shock collars, and fan-controlled drones—to make baseball less of a televised nap.