ALCATRAZ ISLAND, CA — In his boldest second-term initiative yet, President Donald J. Trump has officially reopened the historic Alcatraz prison—this time as a federal re-education facility known as TRAZ: Trump’s Re-Americanization Zone.
“Under my leadership, we’re saving America again—and it starts right here on this beautiful, isolated, concrete island,” Trump proclaimed at the ribbon-cutting ceremony, which featured a military flyover, a 94-minute standing ovation, and Kid Rock singing the national anthem on a jet ski.
According to Trump, TRAZ is not a prison, but “a very classy patriot boot camp for those who’ve strayed from the truth and the American way—people who got confused, voted wrong, listened to NPR, maybe even majored in sociology. But it’s okay. We’ll fix them. We have the best fixing.”
Citizens “invited” to TRAZ will enjoy immersive re-conditioning programs such as:
•Critical Non-Theory, where history is taught exclusively through oil paintings and tweets.
•The Liberty Lounge, a 24/7 streaming room that only plays The Apprentice, Reagan speeches, and YouTube compilations of bald eagles flying in slow motion.
•Triggered Therapy, where attendees face holographic AOCs until they stop flinching.
When asked about the cost of the facility, Trump dismissed concerns: “Look, this isn’t going to bankrupt anything. Not like Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump University, Trump Water, Trump the Board Game, or that time I tried selling meat door-to-door. This is different. This is government-funded greatness. This is TRAZ. You don’t lose money when you’re printing patriotism.”
The administration insists that time at TRAZ is “voluntary but highly encouraged,” with incentives including tax breaks, MAGA loyalty points, and the ability to once again say “Merry Christmas” without whispering.
Critics have raised constitutional concerns, to which Trump responded, “The Constitution loves what I’m doing. I asked it personally. It said, ‘Thank you, sir.’ Very emotional.”
There are already plans for expansion, including TRAZ: Florida Keys Edition, and a children’s version called Lil’ Patriots Camp, featuring bouncy houses shaped like Mount Rushmore and mandatory flag-folding drills.
