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Nation’s Children Confirmed to Be Nighttime Demons, Experts Suggest Holy Water and Night-Locks

Children who sleepwalk are one hundred times more likely to make parents shit their pants.
Buck Drayton -
NEWS

Groundbreaking Study Reveals Men’s Urinal Techniques Fall Into Four Bizarre, Deeply Troubling Categories

New Study Confirms What We All Feared: There Is Absolutely No Normal Way for a Man to Use a Urinal
Buck Drayton -
Business

As RFK Jr. Moves to Ban Red 40, Scientists Unveil Red 69 As An All-Natural Alternative

As synthetic dyes are on the chopping block, scientists are racing to find a safer solution that still manages to hit the sweet spot.
Jett Monument -
Science

Archaeologists Discover Great Pyramids Were Actually Ancient Power Plants Built So Egyptians Could Watch Porn in HD

Ancient Egyptian say “I’m just finishing up in here! Don’t come in!” As they watch hieroglyphic porn powdered by pyramids
Buck Drayton -
World

BREAKING: Jesus Has Risen! But Also Immediately Deported

The Messiah of Christianity was last seen boarding a Delta flight, flying coach to Jerusalem just before an attack from Iran radicals on the capital city of Israel. God speed, Jesus.
Morgan Tanner -
Entertainment

Local Man Marries Minecraft Villager After Building Entire City and Abandoning Real Life

After failing to fall in love in real life, one man built a full Minecraft city, married a pixelated villager, and is now undergoing surgery to become more blocky in hopes of finally fitting into a world that isn’t coded to reject him.
Jett Monument -
World

Earth Has Needs Too: Planet Reportedly ‘Busted a Nut’ in Hawaii’s Kilauea Eruption

In a fiery display of planetary passion, Earth shamelessly “busted a nut” through Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano, leaving scientists stunned and the Pacific Rim begging for round two.
Buck Drayton -
Politics

Brain Worm: The Kennedy Parasite Chronicles: Chapter 1 of 3: “The Creek Awakens“

One swim in a toxic creek as a child, and RFK Jr. left with a brain worm and a lifelong Wednesday ritual.
Buck Drayton -
Science

New Surveillance Tech Uses Farts to Identify Individuals, Confirming Once and for All That Whoever Smelt It Did Dealt It

New tech can analyze people’s farts. “It’s like a smelly finger print and everyone’s is different.”
Buck Drayton -
12Page 1 of 2
Science

Nation’s Children Confirmed to Be Nighttime Demons, Experts Suggest Holy Water and Night-Locks

Children who sleepwalk are one hundred times more likely to make parents shit their pants.
Buck Drayton -
NEWS

Groundbreaking Study Reveals Men’s Urinal Techniques Fall Into Four Bizarre, Deeply Troubling Categories

New Study Confirms What We All Feared: There Is Absolutely No Normal Way for a Man to Use a Urinal
Buck Drayton -
Business

As RFK Jr. Moves to Ban Red 40, Scientists Unveil Red 69 As An All-Natural Alternative

As synthetic dyes are on the chopping block, scientists are racing to find a safer solution that still manages to hit the sweet spot.
Jett Monument -
Science

Archaeologists Discover Great Pyramids Were Actually Ancient Power Plants Built So Egyptians Could Watch Porn in HD

Ancient Egyptian say “I’m just finishing up in here! Don’t come in!” As they watch hieroglyphic porn powdered by pyramids
Buck Drayton -
World

BREAKING: Jesus Has Risen! But Also Immediately Deported

The Messiah of Christianity was last seen boarding a Delta flight, flying coach to Jerusalem just before an attack from Iran radicals on the capital city of Israel. God speed, Jesus.
Morgan Tanner -
Entertainment

Local Man Marries Minecraft Villager After Building Entire City and Abandoning Real Life

After failing to fall in love in real life, one man built a full Minecraft city, married a pixelated villager, and is now undergoing surgery to become more blocky in hopes of finally fitting into a world that isn’t coded to reject him.
Jett Monument -
World

Earth Has Needs Too: Planet Reportedly ‘Busted a Nut’ in Hawaii’s Kilauea Eruption

In a fiery display of planetary passion, Earth shamelessly “busted a nut” through Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano, leaving scientists stunned and the Pacific Rim begging for round two.
Buck Drayton -
Politics

Brain Worm: The Kennedy Parasite Chronicles: Chapter 1 of 3: “The Creek Awakens“

One swim in a toxic creek as a child, and RFK Jr. left with a brain worm and a lifelong Wednesday ritual.
Buck Drayton -
Science

New Surveillance Tech Uses Farts to Identify Individuals, Confirming Once and for All That Whoever Smelt It Did Dealt It

New tech can analyze people’s farts. “It’s like a smelly finger print and everyone’s is different.”
Buck Drayton -
12Page 1 of 2
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Republican

Nation Faces Black Printer Ink Shortage as Epstein Files Are Released by Current Administration

The Trump Administration has caused a black ink shortage nationwide at the time of the release of the documentation of the infamous Jeffrey Epstein investigation.
Business

Burger King Rebrands as ‘Burger Queen’ After Royal Fast Food Patron Accused of Visiting Epstein’s Island

The "home of the Whopper" will now have dual meaning after the King of fast food burgers has been accused of illicit behavior on Little St. James, better known as "Epstein Island".
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“Five Stars. Would Get Abducted Again,” Says Man Returned By Aliens

Trevor Haskins returned after a week with extraterrestrials, calling the whole thing more vacation than abduction. Officials are baffled, neighbors are uneasy, and he’s already hoping for a return trip.
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Game to “Boost Morale” While Nation Descends into Chaos

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the federal government remains closed for the 19th consecutive day,...

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