WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new peer-reviewed study from the International Institute of Lavatory Sciences has sent shockwaves through the world of urology and male anthropology by conclusively identifying four distinct—and frankly horrifying—types of men who pee at urinals.
“After 11 years, 3,200 bathroom stakeouts, and one very awkward Thanksgiving at Applebee’s, we’ve finally cracked the code,” said Dr. Lance Glanderson, lead researcher and noted bathroom behaviorologist. “Turns out, every man in America belongs to one of four urinary subcultures—and none of them are okay.”
1. The ‘Over-the-Waistband Warrior’
These men, described in the study as “confident, chaotic, and possibly possessed,” choose to launch their manhood over the top of their waistband like a medieval drawbridge. “It’s as if they believe belts and buttons are optional suggestions,” said Glanderson. “These are the guys who probably think mirrors steal souls.”
Often seen adjusting like they’re defusing a bomb, these individuals have been linked to a 300% increase in splash radius and mild-to-severe zipper injuries. Most of them also reportedly believe that handwashing is a government conspiracy.
2. The ‘Through-the-Pee-Hole Technician’
The most surgical of the group, this faction believes in threading the needle—literally—by squeezing their way through the fabric tunnel of their boxer briefs. “These are precision engineers,” said one researcher. “They treat their underpants like a bank vault and their penis like a jewel thief.”
While hygienically sound, this technique requires a level of dexterity usually reserved for bomb squads or Rubik’s Cube world champions. 83% of them are software engineers. The rest are dads named Carl.
3. The ‘Pants-Down Patriot’
This group, described as “unapologetically free,” is known for dropping trou all the way to the ankles—often in public restrooms with absolutely no shame and even less regard for humanity. “These men are either four years old or have given up on society entirely,” said Glanderson. “We observed one man eating a chili dog mid-stream.”
Psychologists believe these men are attempting to reclaim childhood innocence, or possibly just trying to start fights with everyone who enters the bathroom.
4. The ‘Stall Shadow’
Lastly, the stall peers—commonly referred to as “urinalphobes”—are men who will walk past 37 open urinals to find the sanctuary of a closed-door stall. “These shy guys believe the urinal is judging them,” said Glanderson. “They’re the same people who still text ‘sorry wrong person’ when rejected on dating apps.”
Often hunched and trembling like Victorian poets, these men reportedly experience flashbacks from junior high locker rooms and carry emergency incense in case someone makes eye contact.
The study concluded that while all four methods are deeply concerning, the real danger lies in the fifth, undocumented category: Men who talk during urinal use.
“These monsters must be stopped,” Glanderson warned, before adding, “No man should ask, ‘Big plans for the weekend?’ with their junk in hand.”
At press time, the research team was seen entering a Denny’s restroom to begin phase two of the study: the mysterious psychology of the guy who flushes with his foot.
