Palm Beach, FL — Attendees at the recent Republican National Convention event held at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago club were left stunned and covered in fluids last night when what was supposed to be another routine round of patriotic speeches, cheap champagne, and grifting household products with the president’s name plastered on it, devolved into a giant homosexual orgy by closeted rightwing representatives from across the country.

The chaos began less than fifteen minutes into Republican Speaker Mike Johnson’s opening remarks of President Trump’s alleged greatest accomplishments under his second term. From blanketing tariffs that caused eggs to go for $23 a carton, to owning the libs who just wanted affordable housing and routine healthcare check-ups for under six figures, no orange stone was left unturned. However, the crowd had quickly grown bored of the same speech they’ve heard daily since Trump took office and all simultaneously pulled out their iPhones resulting in the crashing of the homosexual hook-up app, Grindr.

According to an inside source that was definitely not me as I was absolutely not there to break myself off a piece of Republican twink ass, alerts of all types started going off as Republican representatives from across the country seemingly matched with one another before shedding their clothes and clan robes and sucking each other off to completion.

RNC Chairman David Waters, who claims he had been minding his own business adjusting his Trump-shaped lapel pin and not trying to find shaven femboys in his area, said “At first I thought all the noise was a bunch of civil defense sirens going off,” says Waters, salivating at the mere thought of the heated event. “I was like, ‘are we being bombed by North Korea or Russia or whomever?’ But then I realized it was just a bunch of in-the-closet Republicans who forgot to turn off their Grindr alerts. iOS 26 can be pretty confusing, I must admit.” 

Waters added that the room descended into pure sexual deviance and money shots from there, as MAGA hats and white hoods began flying across the room like a confederate confetti cannon. “Before I could even close the app to hide my shame from God Almighty himself, Speaker Johnson was on his knees looking up at me with those baby blues, digging through my pants with such tenacity, you would think he was looking for an illegal immigrant to deport!”

Fortunately for Waters, the only thing being deported was his ejaculate into the back of Johnson’s throat.

Witnesses say Republicans from across America’s various Rust Belt and Evangelical districts had been furiously looking to dock their penises into the nearest available GOP asshole. As you can imagine, almost immediately, there was no vacancy.

When asked for questioning, Speaker Johnson called these allegations “outrageous” and “untrue“, and “made up by those lunatics at Fuck My Asshole News,” despite his display of curiously unnoticed crotch stains on his blue Dockers and a bit of dried semen encrusted in his left eyebrow.

“These absurd allegations are not only outrageous, they are simply untrue by the very definition! I have never in my life been so insulted- not since that time I was uninvited to Little Saint James because I said I prefer femboys over the age of 18.”

In his closing remarks, the Republican Speaker went out of his way to clarify the boundaries of his oral intake. “The only things I put near my mouth are food, air, and the occasional cigar,” he declared, quickly adding that any cigar bearing an unfortunate resemblance to a huge veiny cock was obviously the result of AI trickery. “Talk to me about my policies, not my gag reflex,” he insisted, pounding the podium with the sort of force usually reserved for butt-fucking femboys.

The interview, however, ended abruptly when Johnson requested a pause, citing an “urgent phone call.” Observers noted that the interruption sounded less like a call and more like a chorus of Grindr notifications going off in rapid succession, as if a dozen suitors were simultaneously competing for his attention. Reporters were asked to looked away and turn off all recording devices, though the sound of “you’ve got a new match” could be heard echoing down the Capitol hallway.