Doctors at a local trauma center confirmed today that a 9mm bullet is in critical condition following a violent collision with a Republican social media influencer. The bullet, which had been described by peers as “straight-shooting” and “built for speed,” was traveling on its usual trajectory through the Utah Valley when it encountered the social media personality, an obstacle medical staff diplomatically referred to as “dense, non-biodegradable matter.”
The Republican influencer, whose name will be redacted out of respect for the bullet, had been a strong supporter of gun ownership and had previously gone on record saying “a few deaths a year due to gun violence is a small price to pay to uphold the 2nd Amendment.” Unfortunately for this particular conservative mouthpiece, the 2nd Amendment was not strong enough to shield them from a bullet to the face.
Witnesses report the bullet attempted to pass cleanly through, but quickly became lodged in a morass of bone, tissue, and unprocessed podcast takes. “It was supposed to be a quick job,” said one visibly shaken casing at the scene. “In-and-out, no complications. But then it struck and… well, you wouldn’t wish that on your worst hollow point.”
The bullet was rushed to intensive care, where doctors are working tirelessly to remove fragments of the MAGA conservative’s opinions from its casing. “We’ve treated bullets that went through concrete, steel, even Kevlar,” one surgeon said grimly. “But this is the first time we’ve seen a projectile contaminated by that much ignorance and smugness. Honestly, the bullet may never recover.”
The GOP media personality, meanwhile, is expected to make a full recovery and continue his broadcast schedule uninterrupted, proving once again that no matter how many things collide with him, the greatest casualty is always democracy, justice, and truth.
America has had a long standing opposition, namely the staunch conservative party, against even the most simple-minded gun control legislation efforts. While it seems every elementary school student in the country, mostly Colorado, remains in fear for their lives, one has to wonder just how many republican personalities have to face the fatal end of an AR-15 before they consider changing their minds about basic gun safety.
