ATLANTA, GA — Despite performing multiple miracles in a single afternoon — including restoring sight to patients at the Atlanta Center for the Visually Impaired and transforming the Chattahoochee River into a regionally acclaimed vintage of Pinot Noir that got all the fish drunk — the Messiah was swiftly detained by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement for failing to provide “any valid U.S.-issued documentation” and, more damningly, for “not looking like he does in that one Mel Gibson movie”.
“Look, we’re not saying he’s not Jesus,” said ICE agent Roger Miller while adjusting his Oakleys, “but the Jesus we know has blue eyes, conditioned hair, and doesn’t look that dark. I don’t know about you but this guy looks like he was on American Airlines Flight 11. So, you know… whatever he is, he’s not my Jesus.”
Witnesses say the Savior had just finished blessing a busload of schoolchildren and turning Chick-fil-A waffle fries into gluten-free loaves when he was approached by ICE agents, asked for his papers, and upon offering only a calm “Blessed are the peacemakers,” was tased, zip-tied, and thrown into the back of a white van ironically labeled “Holy Redeemer Plumbing.”
The event comes at a time when America’s 47th President, Donald J. Trump, has been leading an initiative that critics call Operation Melanin Check — a controversial and arguably unconstitutional directive allowing border agents to detain anyone “from beige to espresso” without probable cause.
“It’s about safety,” Trump insisted during an unrelated press conference about banning empathy. “If he’s really the Son of God, why doesn’t he look like he does on those candles you can find at the swap meet? Why isn’t he in Mar-a-Lago blessing the gold statue of me out front? Why didn’t he acknowledge me as God’s chosen to the lead the American people? We all saw Gibson’s Passion of the Christ, right? Great movie. This guy looks way too dark by comparison, so he clearly had to go.”
Trump then followed up after his press conference by posting to Truth Social saying, “Unless he wants to pay $5 million for my patented Trump Card for citizenship, he has to go. But judging by the state of those sandals, I assume he can’t afford it. And that’s too bad. It’s a good deal. Great deal for citizenship of the greatest country in the world. Oh well. #SAD”
After three days in ICE custody — a poetic but entirely coincidental timeframe — Jesus was transferred to the Israeli Consulate in Los Angeles before being swiftly loaded onto a Delta flight bound for Jerusalem. Unfortunately, the timing of his deportation coincided with a surprise missile strike on the city from Iran, which theologians now interpret as the Book of Revelations’ “Really Bad PR Week.”
Faith leaders across the globe have condemned the incident. Pope Leo of Chicago called it “a failure of compassion, and also of basic recognition,” while evangelical leaders in the U.S. said they would “pray about it once their Mar-a-Lago tee times cleared up.”
As for Jesus himself, his final words before boarding the plane were overheard by a tarmac worker: “Forgive them, for they know not what a passport is.”
He then reportedly turned the in-flight bottled water into rosé.
