MLB Superstar Shohei Ohtani, who signed a record-breaking $700 million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers, is not actually Shohei Ohtani. As it turns out, his real name, according to court documents and a very confused DMV employee, is Larry Wilson, a 29-year-old from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Wilson, who now finds himself at the center of a rapidly escalating scandal, claims the whole thing was a “big misunderstanding” fueled by what experts are calling “the most expensive case of racial profiling in professional sports history.”
“I kept trying to tell people, ‘Hey, I’m not Japanese. I’ve never even been to Japan. I’m Larry. Larry Wilson,’” said Wilson in a press conference outside a federal courthouse. “But the coaches just kept nodding and saying ‘Very humble. Very respectful.’ Then next thing I know, I’m on a plane to L.A. with $700 million on the table. What was I supposed to do? Say no?”
The MLB, meanwhile, is in full damage control mode as League Commissioner Rob Manfred issued a statement that did little to clear the air: “We regret any confusion that may have arisen due to a lack of thorough vetting and…certain assumptions based solely on physical appearance. This is not what baseball is about. Baseball is about statistics. And also apparently not doing background checks on $700 million contracts.”
Dodgers executives have remained tight-lipped, though one anonymous source did confirm that Wilson’s fluency in English and lack of knowledge of Japanese culture etiquettes were “red flags” early on. “We thought maybe he was just super focused on the game,” the source said. “Also, he brought cheese curds to practice once, which felt…off.”
The scandal has sent shockwaves across Japan, where Ohtani was treated as a national hero. Angry fans burned Dodgers jerseys in the streets of Tokyo. “This is not just about baseball,” said one outraged supporter. “This is about national pride. And also about the fact that his parents are South Korean.” Korean news outlets are reportedly scrambling to determine if they can retroactively claim him as one of their own.
Meanwhile, the U.S. legal system now faces the unenviable task of determining whether this bizarre saga is a case of identity fraud or just a symptom of a racially tone-deaf billion-dollar sports league that never asked a single follow-up question. A court date has been set for next month, though Wilson says he’s optimistic: “Hey, if they want to pay me to keep hitting balls, I’ll keep doing it. Just…maybe stop calling me ‘Sho-Time.’
