SACRAMENTO, CA — In a move that has shocked everyone except literally no one, the Department of Homeland Security has officially subpoenaed the entire state of California after discovering what it called “concerning evidence” that the Golden State may be handing out bundles of cash, commemorative bobbleheads, and the occasional Sea-Doo to undocumented immigrants.
According to a 497-page subpoena, DHS agents allege that illegal immigrants arriving in California are not only being welcomed with open arms but are being greeted at the border with starter packs that include $1,200 in small bills, a reusable hemp bag full of organic trail mix, and a voucher for one free improv class in Silver Lake.
“We’re not saying Gavin Newsom is personally giving out spa gift cards to undocumented workers,” said Homeland Security Undersecretary Mitch Blunderford, “but we’re also not not saying that.”
The investigation began when a whistleblower, identified only as “Chad from Riverside,” leaked a video of what appears to be a street fair where participants were receiving complimentary yoga mats and emotional support ferrets allegedly funded by a shadowy government initiative called Operation Fiesta del Asilo.
Critics argue the subpoena is politically motivated, but DHS officials countered that it’s “just a standard checkup” following reports that some immigrants were spotted driving Teslas with license plates that read “GR8FULL 4 CA.”
California officials responded with a press release that read, “Lol, what?” followed by a digital middle finger in emoji form. Newsom later held a press conference while riding an electric scooter down the steps of the Capitol, stating, “We’re not giving out money to illegal immigrants—we’re investing in a future where everyone has access to artisanal soap.”
Meanwhile, the alleged recipients of California’s supposed generosity could not be reached for comment, as they were reportedly too busy enjoying their complimentary Malibu timeshares and writing screenplays about their journeys titled Coyote Dreams: The Hulu Series.
More on this story as DHS expands its probe into whether Oregon is secretly supplying immigrants with free kombucha and tiny homes made entirely of recycled NPR tote bags.
