WASHINGTON D.C. – More than 100 days into his second term as President of the United States, Donald J. Trump has announced a bold new initiative to be “less shitty” going forward, following what he described as a “very spooky visitation” in the middle of the night. The spectral encounter allegedly occurred late last Monday evening, but Trump only spoke about it after reporters noticed he seemed unusually coherent and only insulted two members of the press corps instead of the usual six.
“The ghost, and he was a ghost—the Ghost of Christmas Future, maybe, could’ve been Mitch McConnell though, you know how he freezes up sometimes—came to me and said, ‘Stop being such a selfish lying piece of shit,’” Trump told reporters during an impromptu press conference held in the Rose Garden, next to a Tesla-branded hot dog cart. “And I said, ‘Okay, but just a little bit. I’ll uphold the Constitution at least a little bit, maybe the parts I like.’”
The president admitted he couldn’t fully stop being a dishonest narcissist. “That’s just who I am. I’m baked in, baby. People love it,” Trump said, gesturing to a confused JD Vance standing beside the Resolute Desk. “But maybe I tone it down so I don’t get more spooky bedtime visits. Those are the worst kind of visits. I like my bedtime visits to be from attractive women, not haunted geriatrics or spectral Mitch McConnells in search of warm milk.”
Trump’s newfound moderation arrives amid renewed criticism over his administration’s aggressive deportation tactics. Dozens of documented U.S. citizens have reportedly been swept up by ICE officials under executive orders that prioritize speed over due process, common sense, or basic paperwork. One agent was overheard saying, “If they’re brown and breathing, we’re detaining.”
The administration has also faced backlash for Trump’s personal acceptance of a $400 million luxury aircraft from foreign officials in Qatar. When questioned about it, Trump replied, “It was a gift. A beautiful gift. Did you see the minibar? It has Diet Coke on tap. The ghost didn’t like it, though. Said something about ‘emoluments’ and ‘international corruption.’ But I said, ‘Hey spooky, relax. Tesler makes great planes now. Everyone should buy a Tesler.’”
Reporters were quick to clarify that Tesla does not, in fact, make planes, but that Trump may have been mistakenly referring to a Tesla-branded rocket plane that Elon Musk had Grok generate as a proof of concept for an upcoming board meeting to save his job as Tesla CEO.
When asked to elaborate on the ghost’s identity, Trump said, “He looked like Jill Biden in a wig—not her regular wig, a worse one. And that’s really saying something because the normal one, folks, is not great. This one was bad. Scary. Like Halloween at a Supercuts.”
Whether the ghostly visitation actually occurred or whether Trump simply sleepwalked through a re-airing of A Christmas Carol on Newsmax remains unclear. However, aides confirmed the president did wake up screaming and demanding the Constitution be printed on gold foil “so it looks more impressive when I ignore it.”
As for what’s next? Trump has promised to sign an executive order officially recognizing ghosts “as very real, very credible voters,” and has floated the idea of appointing the Ghost of Christmas Future as head of the Environmental Protection Agency. “He’s transparent, he gets the climate stuff. Plus he hates wind turbines. Great guy. Or lady. Or ghoul. Whatever.”
For now, Trump has tapped RFK Jr.’s recently structured Department of Investigative Phenomena and Supernatural Hominid Identification Taskforce or DIPSHIT, for short, to look further into the existence of ghosts, ghouls, specters, and Mitch McConnell.
