Omaha, Nebraska — Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the current United States Secretary of Health and Human Services, held a press conference to declare that dragons, orcs, elves, dwarves and “a whole spectrum of Middle-Earthian creatures” are “absolutely real” — a realization he says came after an enlightening and unexpected encounter with actor Warwick Davis at a downtown Applebee’s in Omaha, Nebraska this last Sunday.
According to eyewitnesses, RFK Jr. was enjoying a Fiesta Lime Chicken platter when he “locked eyes with a being not entirely of this world.” That being, as it turned out, was Harry Potter and Willow star Warwick Davis, who was simply waiting for a To-Go order of mozzarella sticks.
“I knew immediately,” Kennedy said, speaking to a small crowd outside the restaurant later that evening. “You don’t just accidentally meet a creature of myth like that, a dwarf, at an Applebee’s unless it’s a sign. You see a shimmer in his eye, the aura around him — he wasn’t just a man. He was a messenger of truth that myths and legends are based on facts.”
“I’ve seen things. The mainstream media doesn’t want you to know, but the orcish enclaves beneath the Denver International Airport are real. The elves walk among us — mostly in Portland — and the dragons have gone underground since fluoride was introduced into our water supply,” Kennedy further explained, eyes darting between reporters and what he referred to as “shadows that shift unnaturally.”
Warwick Davis’ publicist issued a scathing response regarding his encounter with RFK Jr.:
“Mr. Davis is disappointed to hear of Mr. Kennedy’s overblown reaction regarding their brief encounter at the Applebee’s Bar & Grill. Everyone is there to eat good in the neighborhood, as it were. And not to be subjected to mistreatment for looking like a character from a Tolkien novel.
Furthermore, Mr. Davis would be remiss not to respectfully remind Mr. Kennedy that asking Mr. Davis to grant wishes is not only ludicrous, outrageous, and offensive, but also not typically something dwarfs can do. That would be genies, as we all know. Thank you.”
Meanwhile, RFK Jr. has called for immediate congressional hearings into what he claims is a centuries-long cover-up of mythical species by the Smithsonian and “certain Dungeons & Dragons lobbyists.”
Kennedy is also proposing a new department under Homeland Security tentatively titled the “Department of Investigative Phenomena and Supernatural Hominid Identification Taskforce” or DIPSHIT, for short, to look further into the existence of mythological beings. More on that story is it unfolds.
