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Jett Monument

27 POSTS
Jett Monument became a journalist after mistaking a press pass for a parking ticket and wandering into a gubernatorial debate. He stayed for the free "press only" sandwiches, wrote up what he saw, and accidentally broke a story that made three state legislators stop answering calls. He’s been reporting ever since, mostly out of spite and mild curiosity.
Entertainment

Marvel Renames Thunderbolts* to ‘Marvel’s Leftovers’, Stunned to Learn People Will Watch Literally Anything

Marvel has rebranded Thunderbolts* as Marvel’s Leftovers, and audiences are still buying tickets. Apparently, all it takes is a logo and Florence Pugh.
Jett Monument -
Business

Egg Shortage Over, But Restaurants Keep Prices High Because “You Dumbasses Will Keep Paying Anyway”

Eggs are back, but prices haven’t cracked. Diners are still paying premium rates while restaurants laugh all the way to the bank.
Jett Monument -
Entertainment

Taylor Swift Embarks on 25-City Tour Where She Just Sleeps on Stage After Eras Tour Exhaustion

Taylor Swift has officially kicked off her “Zzz Tour,” a 25-city spectacle where she does nothing but sleep on stage — and fans are paying thousands to watch her nap in peace.
Jett Monument -
Science

Harvard Study Shows Mouth Breathing Leads to Longer Life, Fewer Sexual Partners

A new Harvard study finds mouth breathers live longer. The boost in lifespan comes at the cost of romantic invisibility and a face that screams “I still call my mom ‘Mommy.’”
Jett Monument -
World

Pope Leo XIV Threatens to Resign After Only Five Days Because He ‘Can’t Find A Decent Deep Dish In This Goddamn Country’

Pope Leo XIV is considering resignation just five days in, citing not doctrine, but Rome’s tragic lack of Chicago-style deep dish. He called the city’s thin crust a betrayal of both his palate and his faith.
Jett Monument -
Exclusive

RFK Jr.’s Voice Actually Normal, Admits He Just Thought Sounding Like That Would Be Funnier and More Relatable

RFK Jr. stunned the nation today by revealing his famously strained voice isn’t from a disorder — he just thought it made him sound more relatable. Doctors are furious. America is confused. And apparently, he sings like a damn Disney prince.
Jett Monument -
Republican

President Trump Re-Opens Alcatraz to Enforce Patriotism, Promises It Won’t Go Bankrupt Like His Casinos, Hotels, Charity, Knife and Steak Business, or University

President Trump has reopened Alcatraz as TRAZ — a “definitely not-a-prison” re-education zone for the unpatriotic. Critics call it dystopian cosplay; the White House calls it “a scenic reboot for freedom-deficient Americans.”
Jett Monument -
World

Police Accidentally Uphold Constitution, Potentially Ruin Slam-Dunk Case Against Luigi Mangione

Cops found a backpack full of felonies but forgot the warrant — possibly because Luigi Mangione’s jawline temporarily suspended their knowledge of the Constitution.
Jett Monument -
Business

Popular Office Supply White-Out Goes Green for Earth Day, Republicans Furious: “Another Diminution of the White Community”

White-Out’s Earth Day makeover has conservatives fuming, claiming the new “Green-Out” formula is part of a larger plot to erase whiteness — both on paper and in society. What was meant to celebrate sustainability is now being labeled “liquid CRT in a bottle.”
Jett Monument -
123Page 3 of 3
Entertainment

Marvel Renames Thunderbolts* to ‘Marvel’s Leftovers’, Stunned to Learn People Will Watch Literally Anything

Marvel has rebranded Thunderbolts* as Marvel’s Leftovers, and audiences are still buying tickets. Apparently, all it takes is a logo and Florence Pugh.
Jett Monument -
Business

Egg Shortage Over, But Restaurants Keep Prices High Because “You Dumbasses Will Keep Paying Anyway”

Eggs are back, but prices haven’t cracked. Diners are still paying premium rates while restaurants laugh all the way to the bank.
Jett Monument -
Entertainment

Taylor Swift Embarks on 25-City Tour Where She Just Sleeps on Stage After Eras Tour Exhaustion

Taylor Swift has officially kicked off her “Zzz Tour,” a 25-city spectacle where she does nothing but sleep on stage — and fans are paying thousands to watch her nap in peace.
Jett Monument -
Science

Harvard Study Shows Mouth Breathing Leads to Longer Life, Fewer Sexual Partners

A new Harvard study finds mouth breathers live longer. The boost in lifespan comes at the cost of romantic invisibility and a face that screams “I still call my mom ‘Mommy.’”
Jett Monument -
World

Pope Leo XIV Threatens to Resign After Only Five Days Because He ‘Can’t Find A Decent Deep Dish In This Goddamn Country’

Pope Leo XIV is considering resignation just five days in, citing not doctrine, but Rome’s tragic lack of Chicago-style deep dish. He called the city’s thin crust a betrayal of both his palate and his faith.
Jett Monument -
Exclusive

RFK Jr.’s Voice Actually Normal, Admits He Just Thought Sounding Like That Would Be Funnier and More Relatable

RFK Jr. stunned the nation today by revealing his famously strained voice isn’t from a disorder — he just thought it made him sound more relatable. Doctors are furious. America is confused. And apparently, he sings like a damn Disney prince.
Jett Monument -
Republican

President Trump Re-Opens Alcatraz to Enforce Patriotism, Promises It Won’t Go Bankrupt Like His Casinos, Hotels, Charity, Knife and Steak Business, or University

President Trump has reopened Alcatraz as TRAZ — a “definitely not-a-prison” re-education zone for the unpatriotic. Critics call it dystopian cosplay; the White House calls it “a scenic reboot for freedom-deficient Americans.”
Jett Monument -
World

Police Accidentally Uphold Constitution, Potentially Ruin Slam-Dunk Case Against Luigi Mangione

Cops found a backpack full of felonies but forgot the warrant — possibly because Luigi Mangione’s jawline temporarily suspended their knowledge of the Constitution.
Jett Monument -
Business

Popular Office Supply White-Out Goes Green for Earth Day, Republicans Furious: “Another Diminution of the White Community”

White-Out’s Earth Day makeover has conservatives fuming, claiming the new “Green-Out” formula is part of a larger plot to erase whiteness — both on paper and in society. What was meant to celebrate sustainability is now being labeled “liquid CRT in a bottle.”
Jett Monument -
123Page 3 of 3

Breaking

Burger King Rebrands as ‘Burger Queen’ After Royal Fast Food Patron Accused of Visiting Epstein’s Island

Business 0
The "home of the Whopper" will now have dual meaning after the King of fast food burgers has been accused of illicit behavior on Little St. James, better known as "Epstein Island".

“Five Stars. Would Get Abducted Again,” Says Man Returned By Aliens

Exclusive 0
Trevor Haskins returned after a week with extraterrestrials, calling the whole thing more vacation than abduction. Officials are baffled, neighbors are uneasy, and he’s already hoping for a return trip.

Game to “Boost Morale” While Nation Descends into Chaos

NEWS 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the federal government remains closed...

AMC Introduces New “Bedflix Bangers” Featuring Full Beds for Guests Who Can’t Wait to Ruin Movies with Sex

Entertainment 0
AMC revolutionizes moviegoing with new Cine-Suites—plush beds replacing seats—so guests can finally get freaky without fighting an armrest.

DISCLAIMER: This website is a parody and purely satirical. Almost nothing here is true. It’s nearly all made up and should not be taken seriously. Any resemblance to real people and events are either coincidental or hilariously intentional.

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