UNITED STATES — The egg crisis is officially over. The bird flu outbreak that led to skyrocketing prices and national yolk panic has passed, chickens are back on the job, and America’s breakfast tables are once again fully stocked. And yet, somehow, your local diner is still charging $18 for two eggs and a slice of toast that tastes like it was left out during the Bush administration.
“We were planning to roll prices back,” said Cliff Yolkman, CFO of the National Breakfast Coalition. “But then we added a $0.50 Egg Plate Surcharge as a joke, and no one even blinked. Honestly, at this point it would be financially irresponsible not to keep milking it.”
Farmers report egg production has not only stabilized but is now in surplus, with some hens laying so aggressively they’ve started forming support groups. “We’ve got so many eggs, I’ve been using them as paperweights, juggling props, and one’s currently holding open my screen door,” said Iowa farmer Bud Chambers. “Meanwhile, restaurants are charging like every omelet is made from dinosaur embryos.”
Receipts across the country tell a different story: charges like “Scramble Scarcity Fee,” “Over-Easy Risk Premium,” and “Yolk Deployment Cost” are still popping up nationwide. One diner in Nashville reportedly added a “Cluck-to-Table Tax” just to mess with people and see if anyone noticed. (They didn’t.)
And in a move no one asked for but everyone fully expected, President Donald Trump has swooped in to take credit for ending the egg crisis entirely.
“Before me, eggs were gone. Devastated. People were crying at breakfast,” Trump said during a press conference held at a Waffle House. “But I brought the eggs back. Everyone says it. The best eggs. I fixed it so good, now we’ve got too many eggs. You’re welcome.” He then signed an autograph no one asked for on a laminated menu.
He went on to encourage restaurant owners to “keep prices high” because “people are paying it, so clearly they love it.”
“Charge what you want—$3, $4, $7 an egg—go nuts,” he added. “Frankly, if they’re dumb enough to pay it, you deserve the win. That’s how the economy works under me: strong, scrambled, and profitable.”
At press time, IHOP is piloting a $1.25 “Silverware Rental Fee,” while Denny’s quietly unveiled a premium “Free-Range Vibes Upcharge” for customers who make eye contact with the server while ordering.
Experts say if the trend continues, diners should expect a $2 “Don’t Ask Questions” charge by Q3.
