Washington, D.C.—The 26th U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., has doubled and even tripled down on his pseudo-science bullshit and officially declared that vaccines cause autism but heroin builds character—a position so deranged it makes Andrew Wakefield look like Jonas Salk.
RFK Jr., whose resume reads like a conspiracy theorist bingo card, made the announcement during a press conference he held behind a Planet Fitness dumpster, flanked by two feral raccoons and a copy of The Catcher in the Rye. “Look, I’ve done the research,” Kennedy groaned in his trademark vocal fry that sounds like a faulty garbage disposal with fork stuck in it. “Vaccines are filled with toxins. Heroin? Pure. Teaches resilience. Teaches you how to barter, how to survive, how to sleep standing up. That’s character. And it feels really fucking good, to be honest with you.”
This is, of course, coming from a man who once spent more time shooting up than most Americans spend watching Netflix, and who has somehow pivoted from heroin chic to health czar with all the grace of a flaming tractor tire rolling downhill. According to Kennedy, modern public health has it all wrong. “If we had just replaced childhood vaccination schedules with controlled opiate exposure, we’d have a generation of gritty little warriors. No ADHD, just hustle.”
In response, the American Medical Association issued a strongly worded statement that simply read: “What the actual f**k.” Meanwhile, President Donald Trump, currently on his second term and opening his fourth gift from the Saudi Arabian embassy of the morning, tweeted, “Bobby’s got moxie. Heroin really DID make him stronger. Some say too strong. Maybe too strong to fail???”
As if that weren’t enough, Kennedy closed out his press conference with a new HHS slogan:
“Needles Are Good — Just Not for Preventing Disease.”
The White House has not confirmed whether RFK Jr.’s latest statements represent official policy, but sources say a new educational program called DARE: Drugs Are Really Enlightening is already being workshopped.
