WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold, unprecedented move to tackle the ballooning national debt, the Trump administration announced that it will begin auctioning off the naming rights to all 50 states, national parks, federal buildings and national monuments, stressing that ownership or operational control will not be transferred, just the names.
“America’s sitting on the most valuable portfolio of unbranded landmarks in the world,” President Donald Trump said during a press briefing after unveiling the newly renamed Charmin Lincoln Memorial. “We’ve got iconic locations just sitting there doing nothing. No deals, no revenue. Bad business. The Grand Canyon could’ve been making us billions. This plan will generate trillions. Sleepy Joe would’ve never thought of this.”
The initiative, officially titled The Liberty Licensing Act, is expected to generate trillions in corporate sponsorship revenue over the next five years. The plan’s first phase will focus on renaming lesser-known states with early reports confirming that Delaware is already in talks to become Flavortown under a lifetime deal with Guy Fieri.
“Delaware doesn’t even have a personality,” Fieri told reporters. “We’re planning to change that.”
Yellowstone National Park is reportedly in talks with Apple for a potential rebrand to Apple Park Max and the Washington Monument may soon be brought to Americans by Blue Chew. Officials confirmed that while ownership will remain with the government, corporate signage will be installed at all rebranded sites. Some monuments may even feature tasteful LED displays or holographic logos along with updated names on maps, brochures and federal websites.
“People love Lincoln,” Trump said. “But they’ll love him even more now that he’s sponsored by America’s favorite toilet paper. Everyone loves those Charmin bears. It’s what he would’ve wanted. Strong. Powerful. Unyielding.”
Federal buildings are also being stripped of their “boring, non-revenue-generating” names. The FBI headquarters may soon become The Skims National Bureau of Investigation though federal agents will reportedly keep their standard uniforms and firearms, not shapewear and contour sticks.
Critics have called the initiative “grotesque,” “a dystopian mashup of capitalism and late-stage insanity” and “basically NASCAR with government buildings” but the administration remains undeterred.
“Look, we already name stadiums after banks, hospitals after soda companies and even Mars rovers after Twitter polls,” said Treasury Secretary Gary Busey (not that one). “This is just patriotism with a price tag.”
To sweeten the deal, Trump hinted at a bonus phase: selling the rights to the Pledge of Allegiance and offering prime advertising spots on each stripe of the American flag.
When asked whether the name “United States of America” itself might be up for grabs, Trump simply replied, “We’re workshopping a few options. Personally, I like Freedom™ but McNation is polling surprisingly well.”
The full rollout begins next week with a live televised auction hosted by MrBeast and the ghost of Billy Mays via AI. Americans are encouraged to bid early, spend proudly and rest easy knowing it’s all for the sake of national prosperity.
