July 19, 2025 | Mar-a-Lago, Florida – In a furious, typo-riddled, all-caps announcement posted this morning on Truth Social at 3:42 AM, 47th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, has declared his most ambitious legal crusade yet: suing nearly every acronym under the sun for what he calls “FAKE, ILLEGAL, AND UNAMERICAN SMEARS” related to his alleged connections to the infamous Epstein files.
“I WILL BE SUING THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, RUPERT MURDOCH (BAD GUY), FOX NEWS (WORSE GUY), ABC, CBS, MLB, NBC, NCAA, NAACP, THE MIB, NFL, NHL, S.H.I.E.L.D., the WNBA, AND MANY MORE!!!”
The trigger for this latest litigious meltdown appears to be multiple media outlets sharing recently unsealed court documents that confirm Trump’s name appears in files associated with deceased financier and global pedophile bingo card champion Jeffrey Epstein. While many news organizations reported on the documents with due diligence, Trump insists it is all “A COORDINATED HIT JOB BY THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA, OBAMA, CROOKED HILLARY, THE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY,” and pretty much anyone who has ever taken legal action or written a negative blog post against the 47th President.
Legal scholars are baffled by the breadth of Trump’s list. In addition to suing major American news networks, he’s reportedly targeting:
- MLB (Major League Baseball), because “THEY LET THAT ONE GUY KNEEL.”
- MIB (Men in Black), whom Trump claims “NEURALYZED ME AFTER I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE CLINTONS.”
- S.H.I.E.L.D., which, while fictional, is apparently “TOTALLY REAL, TOTALLY CONTROLLED BY THE DEEP STATE AND NICK FURY WHO IS OBVIOUSLY A DEMOCRAT.”
- WNBA, because “COLLEGE SPORTS IS A SCAM UNLESS I’M INVITED INTO THE GIRLS LOCKER ROOM.”
- NAACP, despite reportedly believing it was “A STOCK TICKER.”
Trump’s legal team, currently consisting of a guy who once represented a YouTube conspiracy theorist and a paralegal who moonlights as an Evangelical QVC host, says the lawsuits are being filed “as soon as they find out how to spell ‘jurisdiction.’”
Fox News has responded by pretending none of this is happening, while Rupert Murdoch simply released a statement that read, “I’m retired, please stop calling me.” The NHL declined to comment, citing “we don’t really know what’s going on either,” and S.H.I.E.L.D. didn’t do anything because they aren’t f*cking real.
