WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what historians are already calling “the most patriotic bribe in modern history,” former President Donald J. Trump on Friday signed an executive order launching America’s first self-deportation incentive program, officially titled “Operation Go Big and Go Home.”
The program, designed to encourage undocumented immigrants to “voluntarily skedaddle,” promises a dizzying array of bonuses, prizes, and luxury swag, including:
- A first-class one-way flight on Trump Airlines (which currently consists of a repainted Spirit Airlines plane with gold seatbelts).
- A $50,000 TrumpBucks debit card, accepted at all participating Mar-a-Lago gift shops.
- A 25-year timeshare on the moon, courtesy of a new Trump-Galactic partnership with Elon Musk and several very confused NASA interns.
- A live bald eagle, personally named by Kid Rock, with optional talon polishing.
- A complimentary autographed copy of The Art of the Deport, Trump’s new ghostwritten guide to leaving countries in style.
- And for families of four or more: a ride on the Trump Tower roller coaster, which only exists in Trump’s imagination but is “totally real and amazing, believe me.”
“This is the most luxurious deportation package ever offered by any country, anywhere. Mexico is jealous. Canada is sobbing. France is confused,” Trump boasted, speaking at a press conference held inside a gold-plated bounce house shaped like the Statue of Liberty holding a Taco Bell combo meal.
To further incentivize participation, lucky “Go Big” applicants will be entered into a sweepstakes for a week-long escape room experience with Rudy Giuliani, an NFT of Trump hugging a crying Abraham Lincoln, and a chance to drive Mike Pence’s original escape tunnel golf cart.
Critics have slammed the initiative as “ethically bonkers,” “somewhere between a game show and a fever dream,” and “possibly a plot from Idiocracy 2,” but Trump remains defiant.
“We’re not deporting people,” he clarified. “We’re sending them on a five-star freedom cruise out of America, with bonuses, birds, and a moon house. It’s classy. It’s fabulous. It’s… dare I say… humane.”
Sources say Elon Musk has already offered to sponsor “Platinum Tier” deportations—via SpaceX.
As for what’s next, insiders say Trump is considering “Reverse Immigration Bingo”—where Americans who volunteer to leave the U.S. for at least six months get a free flamethrower, a commemorative golf ball, and honorary citizenship in the Republic of Florida.
