WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that historians are already calling “the worst thing to happen to the White House since Clinton painted that dress like a Jackson Pollock,” President Donald Trump has unveiled plans for a sprawling $200 million food court to be bolted onto the side of the nation’s most iconic residence.
The new wing, officially named The Great American Culinary Pavilion & Patriot Dining Experience, will reportedly feature a handful of popular chains including a Chick-fil-A, an Auntie Anne’s pretzel stand and, as the pièce de résistance, a full-service “presidential edition” Chili’s with gold-plated nacho warmers. “It’s going to be the classiest, most luxurious Chili’s anyone’s ever seen,” Trump said during a press conference while holding up a laminated “3 for Me” menu. “We’re talking the biggest margaritas, the crispiest Honey-Chipotle Crispers and the best microwaved molten lava cake in the world. People are going to come from all over, not just for politics, but for the queso.”
Trump also promised that the food court would be “a place where the American people can come together over fried food like never before.” When asked why the White House needs a Chili’s, he replied, “Other countries have palaces and castles. We’ll have the White House and also a place for baby back ribs. It’s called being competitive.”
Critics have already slammed the plan as tacky, noting that the proposed beige-and-red-brick extension looks like “a strip mall that got lost and accidentally attached itself to the White House.” One D.C. resident lamented to reporters, “What’s next? A Dippin’ Dots kiosk in the Lincoln Bedroom?” Preservationists warn it will permanently alter the historic façade, while others question the wisdom of replacing the White House’s iconic Rose Garden with a Panda Express seating area.
Defenders of the project argue the food court will “create jobs and unite America over mozzarella sticks.” One administration official speaking anonymously claimed the President sees the expansion as “the perfect place for bipartisan meetings over bottomless chips and salsa.” Another staffer reportedly described the design as “a flawless combination of presidential grandeur and world-class dining.”
Construction is set to begin in September with Trump promising the grand opening “just in time for Christmas.” He called it “a historic moment in American politics” adding “World leaders will visit and say ‘Sir, we’ve never seen anything like this’ and I’ll tell them ‘That’s because nobody else could pull it off.’” Trump said the addition would give the White House “a whole new way to welcome guests” and predicted it would become “one of the most talked-about features in Washington for years to come.”
