WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark move aimed at “beautifying the nation one baby at a time,” President Donald J. Trump signed an executive order Tuesday morning requiring all couples to be rated at least an 8 out of 10 in physical attractiveness before legally procreating.
Dubbed the “No More Uggos Act” by supporters and the “Hot or Not Law” by late-night hosts, the legislation introduces a federally funded Hotness Evaluation Bureau (HEB). The HEB will oversee the new “procreation permitting” process, during which couples will undergo visual inspections, facial symmetry scans, and what one official described as an “overall vibe check.” Couples who pass will receive a government-issued “Certified to Smash” badge, valid for up to two children.
“Our beautiful country deserves beautiful people,” Trump said from the Rose Garden. “For too long, average and below-average citizens have been diluting our gene pool with their unfortunate faces. Not anymore. We’re going full hottie.”
The order outlines a tiered evaluation system, assigning attractiveness scores based on a combination of biometric data, social media presence, and federally administered nude body exams. Deductions may apply for poor muscle tone, visible back tattoos of exes, or what officials call “unfuckable energy.”
Critics are calling the order unconstitutional, unethical, and ‘aggressively shallow,’ with one senator noting, “This is eugenics with better lighting.” Trump dismissed the backlash. “Look, nobody wants to see two fours making a one,” he said. “We’re not just making babies—we’re making America gorgeous again.”
A new tip line — 1-800-UGH-UGGO — will allow citizens to anonymously report couples attempting to breed below the federally approved standard. First-time violators will receive a warning, a complimentary issue of Men’s Health and Cosmopolitan, and a curated YouTube playlist titled “Glow-Up or Get Out.”
Repeat offenders will be required to undergo mandatory vasectomies and/or tubal ligations, permanently disqualified from breeding “out of respect for the nation’s aesthetic integrity.” Federal marshals are expected to begin light patrolling of public parks, baby showers, and Cheesecake Factory patios by the end of the week.
Ivanka Trump is expected to head the HEB, citing her lifetime of experience in “being hot and judging people quietly.” Sources say Jared Kushner has been appointed Deputy Director of Facial Ratios, despite not being hot enough to qualify under the law himself.
The executive order goes into effect immediately, though exceptions will be made for influencers, minor celebrities, and anyone who “looks good in Mar-a-Lago lighting,” according to the footnotes.
The HEB’s website is already live, offering a beta test quiz titled: “Are You Hot Enough to Reproduce, or Should You Just Foster a Dog?”
