WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump is now openly questioning his long-standing admiration for Vladimir Putin after becoming fully convinced that The Kremlin is actually The Gremlins.
And no one in his administration is correcting him.
“I used to think Putin was tough. In control. Really had a handle on things,” Trump told reporters Wednesday. “But now? Now I’m hearing that the Gremlins are running Russia. The bad ones. You get them wet, they multiply. You feed them after midnight, they go nuts. That’s not leadership, that’s chaos.”
The president, according to multiple senior aides, misread an intelligence report referencing “Kremlin-backed operatives” and has since refused to believe that the Kremlin is anything other than a headquarters full of malevolent, lizard-like movie monsters.
“He’s locked in,” said one White House official. “It started as a misunderstanding, but now he thinks the entire Russian government is made up of Gremlins and that Putin is either one of them or being manipulated by them. Honestly, it tracks.”
During Wednesday’s security briefing, Trump reportedly asked Secretary of State Marco Rubio, “Have we ever seen Putin eat after midnight?” Rubio responded by quietly folding his notes into a paper airplane and launching it at a wall.
Staff have since begun removing the word “Kremlin” from all official briefings, replacing it with phrases like “Russian HQ” or “Putin’s big red building” to avoid confusion and potential movie references. Trump, however, continues to voice deep concern.
“I praised Putin for years,” he said. “But if he’s letting Gremlins run the show, I don’t know if we can trust him. These things bite. They break stuff. They get into your electronics. You ever seen one drive a tank? I bet they could. Fast learners.”
Most aides have chosen silence, opting to avoid eye contact anytime the word “Gremlins” comes up in a meeting. According to one aide, “Last time someone tried to explain what the Kremlin actually is, he shouted ‘Fake news!’ and accused them of being a Mogwai in disguise.”
The Kremlin, for its part, issued a brief statement denying any connection to Gremlins, clarifying that “President Putin does not multiply when wet, enjoys meals at all hours and has shown no adverse reaction to bright lights, including direct sunlight.”
Still, Trump appears rattled. “I thought we had a strong relationship,” he said. “But now I have to wonder if the strong relationship was really just with Stripe. And that’s not someone I want to do deals with.”
As of this morning, the president has ordered a full review of Russia’s “mythical creature arsenal” and has asked the Pentagon to “dust off the microwave defense systems just to be safe.”
