MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a move that has stunned economists, cartel leaders, and several very confused pharmacists, former President Donald J. Trump announced plans to sign an executive order aimed at dramatically slashing the prices of hard drugs across the United States — not pharmaceutical medications, but cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine, and “whatever Hunter Biden’s got in his sock drawer.”
Standing in front of a podium emblazoned with the slogan “Make Cocaine Affordable Again,” Trump declared the current street prices of hard drugs “a disgrace to capitalism” and promised to “bring back competition to the black market.”
“For too long, Americans have suffered under the burden of overpriced narcotics,”
said Trump, pausing to adjust his custom “Coke Lines Matter” trucker hat. “When I was a kid, you could get a dime bag for a dime. Now? Fifteen bucks! That’s not just inflation — that’s criminal! And I should know, I’ve hired a lot of criminals.”
The executive order, dubbed the Controlled Substances Free Market Enhancement Act, proposes opening “Patriot Drug Outlets” where meth will be sold tax-free next to MAGA hats and beef jerky. Trump also hinted at launching his own line of budget-friendly narcotics under the brand TRUMP SPEED — “The only meth that makes your hair great again.”
Experts were baffled. “This isn’t how economics, law enforcement, or human physiology works,” muttered Dr. Elaine Mercer, a DEA consultant who was last seen sobbing into a coffee mug labeled “I Miss Sanity.”
Trump’s team claims the policy will “undercut the cartels” and “stimulate the economy,” citing totally real data from an “anonymous source who used to sell in Atlantic City bathrooms.” Critics argue it could lead to a massive increase in addiction, but Trump dismissed these concerns.
“We’ll make the drugs so cheap, users won’t have to steal — they can just buy it with a TrumpCoin, coming soon on Truth Social.”
At press time, Eric Trump was seen Googling “how to cook crack in microwave,” while Rudy Giuliani reportedly called the move “a visionary plan,” before trying to snort powdered sugar off a Constitution-themed place mat.
