WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that has left medical professionals, constitutional scholars, and literally everyone else in a state of baffled disbelief, the Supreme Court announced it will hear arguments next week regarding the legitimacy of birthright citizenship—specifically targeting those born via cesarean section.
The case, Womb v. Incision, challenges the long-standing interpretation of the 14th Amendment by arguing that “only those who have clawed, screamed, and awkwardly torpedoed their way through the vaginal birth canal have truly touched the soil of America.”
“This is about original intent,” said Justice Clovis Hardcastle, who wore a powdered wig and a sash reading “Canal or Bust” during oral arguments last week. “The Founding Fathers didn’t fight a revolution so babies could be extracted like takeout sushi from a human bento box. No canal, no country.”
Supporters of the movement, calling themselves “Birthers 2.0: Natural Edition,” gathered outside the court chanting, “If you came from a slit, your claim is… quit!” Several carried signs reading No Passage, No Passport and Sliced? Denied!
According to a leaked draft opinion written in cursive on a parchment scroll, Justice Neil Gorsuch reportedly argued that the Constitution “clearly implies that American citizenship flows only through the mighty river of natural labor, not the sterile slide of a surgical tray.”
Medical professionals have pushed back, stating that “this is absolutely not how any of this works,” while historians confirmed that the Constitution contains exactly zero references to uterine exits of any kind.
Still, pundits predict the Court may be leaning 5–4 in favor of what legal insiders are calling “the canal clause.”
If upheld, the ruling could render over 33 million Americans as stateless, sparking immediate logistical concerns. “Do we deport them back to the womb?” asked one confused immigration official. “Do we surgically reverse the process? Frankly, we don’t have the forceps budget for that.”
The White House issued a cautious response, with the press secretary stating, “The President supports all Americans—whether they were born the traditional way or evicted like an overdue tenant.”
Meanwhile, Justice Clarence Thomas has reportedly requested the Court review whether C-section babies should be allowed to vote, own property, or appear on game shows.
Legal experts warn this could open the door to further litmus tests for Americanness, including “whether you ever drank from a garden hose” and “if you cried during the original Top Gun.”
