MAR-A-LAGO, FL — President Donald J. Trump signed an executive order today mandating that all orange-tinted cosmetic products, specifically foundation and bronzer, be manufactured exclusively on American soil.
Flanked by pallets of self-tanning spray and a visibly exhausted makeup artist holding a trowel, Trump declared, “For too long, our orange has been made in China. China! Can you believe it? I want American orange. The best orange. The proud orange. The kind of orange that built this country.”
The executive order, which Trump signed on a cocktail napkin with a gold Sharpie while sipping an Arnold Palmer on his Mar-a-Lago golf course, outlines his vision for what he’s calling the “American Bronze Initiative,” aimed at revitalizing the nation’s struggling facial tint industry and “bringing back that radiant, unholy glow this country used to be proud of.”
“Obama never cared about orange,” Trump said during the 30-minute press conference. “Sleepy Joe? He’s got a complexion like skim milk.” Sources inside Mar-a-Lago claim Trump has grown increasingly frustrated with imported makeup products, stating they “don’t cling to the jowls like they used to” and that “the shade separation under hot lights is a disgrace to our flag.”
The order also includes a mandate to build a new makeup plant in Ohio, which Trump says will be “the biggest, most beautiful foundation factory anyone’s ever seen — even bigger than Sephora, probably.”
MAGA supporters cheered the decision, with many rallying behind the slogan “Make America Glow Again.” Pop-up booths are already appearing outside Trump rallies, selling “#OrangeIsTheNewRedWhiteBlue” bronzer kits, complete with a free sticker that reads “Proudly Pale-Free.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly seen testing out a new prototype called “Melania Mahogany” while muttering, “This one’s a little subtle, but I think the base voters will love it.”
