WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic House Speaker Nancy Patricia Pelosi has cast her vote against the recently proposed “No Profits for Politicians Act,” a bill aimed at banning all active members of Congress from trading stocks or investing while in office.

Pelosi, a longtime advocate for “market freedom, especially the kind where I get the scoop before CNBC does,” cited deep concerns about the bill’s implications for democracy, free enterprise, and most importantly, her husband Paul’s summer yacht fund.

“Look, I believe in a fair and transparent system where everyone—especially those married to influential legislators—has the opportunity to thrive,” Pelosi told reporters while sipping a suspiciously pricey cappuccino. “We can’t just start banning politicians from profiting off information we coincidentally overhear during lunches with C-Suite at Nvidia.”

Sources close to the situation report that Pelosi’s pivotal “no” vote came mere hours after a cozy lunch at Le Lobbia, a D.C. bistro where $300 truffle risotto comes with a side of regulatory insight. Seated between a hedge fund manager and a lobbyist who once tried to sell Florida back to Spain, Pelosi reportedly “nodded thoughtfully” as several valuable tidbits of soon-to-be-public news slipped into the conversation like foie gras into a congressional appropriations bill.

According to an anonymous waiter named Chad (who has since quit to start day trading), Pelosi “scribbled something down on a napkin and whispered ‘Paul’s gonna love this’ before ordering the crème brûlée.”

The bill in question, which would have required all elected officials to divest from individual stock holdings or place them in blind trusts, was widely supported by ethics watchdogs, bored constituents, and everyone who’s ever yelled at their TV during a Senate hearing. Yet it narrowly failed by one vote—a vote Pelosi proudly cast while allegedly wearing earrings shaped like tiny golden bulls.

At press time, Pelosi had proposed a new amendment called the “Family Prosperity Through Public Service Enhancement Act,” which appears to be just a PDF of her Merrill Lynch account summary stapled to a napkin from Le Lobbia with a coffee ring stain on it.

Critics claim Pelosi’s actions demonstrate a “flagrant disregard for the public’s trust” and “an almost artistic commitment to pretending not to be corrupt.” Supporters, however, mostly consist of mutual fund managers and that one cousin who keeps saying “insider trading is a vibe.”

Meanwhile, Paul Pelosi was seen high-fiving his financial advisor and muttering something about “timing the semiconductor sector just right.”

When asked whether her husband’s portfolio would benefit from the upcoming market shifts hinted at over lunch, Pelosi laughed and said, “I don’t know anything about that. I was just there for the pan-seared seabass—and the confidential merger information.”