Salt Lake City, UT — Senator Mitt Romney declared on Thursday that America is, in fact, irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. According to the Republican figurehead, once we all meet our maker, we will be rewarded with our very own planets, rendering the nation-state entirely obsolete.
Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, Romney confidently asserted, “Why waste time worrying about taxes, healthcare, or climate change when, upon our passing, we’re all entitled to a planet of our own? I’ve done the math, and I’ve been in the room where the big decisions are made. Trust me, the whole country thing? It’s just a stopgap.”
Romney, who famously spent his youth on a mission to help others (while wearing a white shirt and tie in temperatures that would make even the most seasoned climber reconsider), explained that after death, each individual will be gifted a planet that aligns with their personal values, interests, and hobbies. “Some of you might end up on a sunny beach planet, some might prefer one with low gravity for high-flying sports,” he added, casually sipping from a mug emblazoned with “Romney 2040: New Planets, New Hope.”
The senator went on to note that the real issue with America’s political system is that it fails to address the inevitable – the ultimate reward that awaits each of us. “I’ve read the reports. It’s in the fine print of the afterlife contracts. Once you ascend to your new home among the stars, the U.S. Constitution? Basically useless,” he quipped, followed by a dramatic pause.
Asked by a reporter about the fate of those who can’t afford their own planet, Romney smiled and assured the crowd that he had personally lobbied for a “starter planet program.” “Think of it like a timeshare,” he explained. “You get a modest little asteroid, maybe a moon, until you can upgrade to a full-fledged world. Think of it as an investment in your afterlife portfolio.”
When pressed about how this revelation might affect his stance on issues like immigration, healthcare, and social security, Romney, who is no stranger to pivoting in the face of political turbulence, simply shrugged. “It’s all irrelevant,” he said. “We’re all just passing through this ‘America’ phase. The real question is: How many moons will you have when you reach your eternal home?”
Political reactions were swift and varied. Democrats expressed skepticism, with one senator claiming, “The last time Romney talked about a ‘new frontier,’ it involved tax loopholes. Now he’s promising entire planets? Someone’s been reading too much science fiction.” Meanwhile, some die-hard Republicans seemed strangely enthused by the idea of personal celestial real estate.
“Why bother running for president when you can run your own planet?” one supporter declared on Twitter, adding an emoji of a rocket ship for emphasis.
In a final flourish, Romney called for a national holiday to commemorate the “Great Planet Giveaway,” urging Americans to focus less on the day-to-day grind and more on planning their post-mortal vacations. “America? It’s a good place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there. But when I’m gone? I’m getting a planet with zero taxes and a perfect view of the stars.”
As the press conference wrapped up, Romney was last seen boarding a private jet emblazoned with “Romney Galactic Enterprises,” headed for what he described as an “undisclosed location” — rumored to be a planet that he, personally, had already claimed.
