Menlo Park, CA — Meta CEO and sentient office chair Mark Zuckerberg has publicly expressed his confusion over Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain chip, stating that while he’s “not entirely sure what emotions are,” he’s fairly confident that turning humans into USB-compatible meat machines is “a step backward in pretending to be one.”
In an impromptu press conference held in front of a VR rendering of a fireplace, Zuckerberg appeared visibly perplexed. “Elon says Neuralink will help people communicate telepathically and interact with AI more efficiently,” he said, blinking slowly in what scientists believe was an attempt at conveying concern. “But… isn’t that what blinking is for?”
Zuckerberg, who once famously attempted to consume barbecue like a flesh-based organism and occasionally references “friendship,” claims he’s been on a years-long journey to understand humanity. “I’ve studied human interaction extensively through Facebook,” he explained. “I know how people feel when their mom comments on an ex’s photo. That’s pain. Or embarrassment. Or maybe both? Still decoding.”
The Meta CEO also questioned the ethical implications of Neuralink. “If humans install a chip to merge with AI, how will they differentiate between their thoughts and targeted ads?” he asked, before shuddering and muttering, “What if your brain shows you Ray-Bans every time you close your eyes?”
Zuckerberg went on to say he’s “invested heavily” in the Metaverse to help humans escape reality the traditional way—through overpriced headsets and underwhelming leg physics. “If people want to disconnect from their problems, they should do it like we’ve always done: by ignoring their relatives in a digital living room with low-polygon couches.”
Meanwhile, Elon Musk has doubled down on Neuralink, tweeting that Zuckerberg “doesn’t get it because he’s still running on HumanOS v1.0.” To which Zuckerberg responded by tilting his head, staring blankly, and asking, “Is… that an insult?”
At press time, Zuckerberg was seen gently stroking a potted plant while whispering, “I, too, photosynthesize… right?” as his engineers quietly updated his firmware to display empathy in beta.
