WASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) has allegedly undergone a new series of cosmetic surgeries aimed at completing her transformation into what one anonymous staffer described as “a sentient, moderately used Rawlings baseball mitt from the late ’90s.”
Sources close to Greene say the controversial congresswoman has embraced the leathery, creased aesthetic with alarming enthusiasm, reportedly telling her plastic surgeon, “Make me look like I’ve caught fastballs from Satan himself — and won.” These same sources managed to catch a glimpse of Rep. Greene on her first return to the House Floor after her surgery and provided an exclusive photograph:
The transformation, which began subtly with deepening facial folds and strategic tanning, has now allegedly escalated to include full dermal texturing, knuckle reconfiguration, and what one Capitol Hill source referred to as “the surgical insertion of genuine outfield grit.”
“Her face now doubles as a pitcher’s training tool and a warning to children about leaving leather in the sun,” said one anonymous congressional aide, ducking behind a potted plant in fear of retaliation. “The last time I saw her smile, it looked like the glove was trying to signal a curveball.”
When asked about the rumors, Greene was defiant. “Real Americans love baseball,” she said, slapping her own cheek and producing a sound not unlike someone pounding on a dugout bench. “And if I have to become the mitt to catch the lies of the radical left, then so be it. This is what patriotism looks like.”
Observers at a recent town hall meeting reported that Greene’s skin now “squeaks audibly when she moves her jaw” and emits “a faint whiff of Cracker Jack and motor oil.” One voter reportedly fainted after mistaking her for a commemorative glove thrown out at a Braves game.
Plastic surgeons across the nation are baffled, with one stating, “We’ve had clients ask for celebrity noses, jawlines, even elf ears — but this is the first time someone’s walked in and slapped a Wilson A2000 on the counter and said, ‘Give me that but angry.’”
Despite the controversy, Greene’s approval ratings among hardcore baseball fans and sentient sporting goods remain steady. Meanwhile, her office has filed a trademark application for the phrase “Catching Libs and Line Drives.”
At press time, Rep. Greene was seen storming the Capitol with stitching across her cheeks and demanding that Dr. Fauci be “thrown out at home.”
