WASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative Lauren Boebert (R-CO), newly single and reportedly “just seeing what’s out there,” has joined the dating app Tinder—only to be immediately bombarded with a string of suspiciously patriotic profiles that experts now believe are all the work of one persistent admirer: Kid Rock.
According to sources close to the situation and several painfully obvious screenshots leaked online, the “Bawitdaba” singer has allegedly created dozens of fake dating profiles in an increasingly desperate effort to get Boebert to swipe right and talk to him. Each account reportedly features a blurry selfie in a truck, a background in “Freedom Studies,” and bios like “Just a simple American looking for a God-fearing spitfire who hates taxes and loves gun smoke.”
Boebert, unimpressed, has continued to swipe left, telling staffers, “It’s obvious it’s him. One of the profiles literally said ‘Not Kid Rock, wink.’ Another just had the word ‘Cowboy’ spelled with an AK-47 emoji.”
Sources say this online campaign began after Boebert stopped returning Kid Rock’s calls, texts, and handwritten letters, many of which reportedly smelled like the inside of a Daytona Beach dive bar at 3 a.m.—a pungent blend of Marlboro Reds, Jack Daniel’s, and what can only be described as “unresolved libertarian trauma.”
“I’m just trying to win her heart the old-fashioned way,” Kid Rock allegedly told a friend while duct-taping a mixtape to a raccoon-skin hat. “Back in my day, we didn’t give up on a woman until she got a restraining order. And even then, we mailed her love poems written on the back of gas station receipts.”
At last report, Boebert had changed her Tinder settings to only show profiles from within a 5-mile radius and added “No musicians. No Kid Rock. Not even Kid Rock impersonators. I’m serious.” to her bio.
In response, Kid Rock was last seen making a new account under the name “LibertyRocker69” with a profile picture of a bald eagle holding a Coors Light, and the bio: “Don’t be afraid to fall for freedom, baby.”
As of press time, Boebert has yet to swipe right. But insiders say Kid Rock remains optimistic, having just joined FarmersOnly.com under the alias “TractorDaddy.”
