Washington, D.C. — In what congressional aides are calling “a routine misunderstanding made exponentially worse,” Representatives Lauren Boebert (CO) and Marjorie Taylor Greene (GA) became embroiled in a bathroom-based identity crisis Tuesday morning at the E. Barrett Prettyman United States Courthouse.
According to eyewitnesses—and several unpaid interns who absolutely should not have been near a federal courtroom—Rep. Boebert entered the women’s restroom, spotted Greene washing her hands, and froze “like a deer catching another deer wearing aftershave.”
Boebert, reportedly squinting as though trying to decipher a Magic Eye poster, asked, “Excuse me, sir, are you lost?” Upon Greene’s bemused reply—“Lauren, it’s me. Marjorie.”—Boebert doubled down: “I know who you are, Mr. Greene. I believe you’re in the wrong bathroom.”
Sources claim Boebert immediately invoked her “God-given Article Bathroom rights,” a clause she insists exists somewhere between the Second Amendment and the Cheesecake Factory menu. “This is a taxpayer-funded lavatory,” Boebert said. “And it’s my constitutional duty to ensure that only certified, government-approved biological females are using the hand soap labeled ‘Shea Butter for Her.’”
Speaking to a crowd of reporters and two confused tourists outside the courthouse, Boebert clarified her stance: “We in these fine United States believe in two genders—‘him’ and ‘her,’ ‘he’ and ‘she’—just as God etched onto the Ten Commandments, which, for the record, the Constitution was based on. That’s in Article Moses.”
While Boebert fielded questions, Representative Greene was inexplicably seen being escorted out of the courthouse in ICE custody. Agents declined to comment on why a sitting member of Congress was detained, but one was overheard muttering, “We just follow the paperwork.”
“I’m just saying,” Boebert continued, “when someone with broad shoulders, combat boots, and male-pattern aggression walks into the ladies’ room, it raises questions. And I believe in asking those questions. Loudly. And with a megaphone if necessary.”
Greene, looking bewildered but not entirely unfamiliar with the feeling, shouted as she was led away: “Lauren knows I’m a woman! I’ve shared my curling iron with her! I gave her my last tampon during a filibuster! She filmed me and Kid Rock at the Daytona Best Western last week—she knows!”
Meanwhile, down in Florida, Kid Rock appeared at a hastily arranged sidewalk press conference in the parking lot of a Motel 6. “Look, I’ve been with loads of women, so I know what I’m talking about,” Rock said while setting up a VHS display of self-made sex tapes on the hood of a 1997 Chevy Impala. “But I gotta be honest… Marjorie’s got some things going on down there that made me question a lot. You can see for yourself on this Collector’s Edition: Honky Tonk Confidential Vol. 3, just $19.99. Or three for fifty if you bring cash.”
Back in D.C., an exhausted Boebert remained resolute. “It’s simple: if you’ve got a wiener, you go in the men’s room. If not, you’re welcome in the ladies’ room. That’s what the Founding Fathers wrote. I think it was in the part of the Constitution Lincoln signed. Look it up.”
ICE has since confirmed that Greene will be held in a local detention center until next Thursday unless she can provide “satisfactory documentation of her gender,” otherwise she faces being deported to Istanbul, Turkey.
