May 4, 2025 | Pyongyang — Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un took to North Korean state television this week to wish the world a “glorious and obedient” May the 4th, while dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and promising to vanquish the “evil galactic empire of capitalist pig-dogs, otherwise known as the United States.”
Wielding a suspiciously bendy blue lightsaber and cloaked in a robe that reportedly came from the country’s “officially state-licensed” Halloween closet, Kim delivered an impassioned speech in front of a poorly painted cardboard Death Star and a paper-mâché Millennium Falcon suspended with visible fishing line.
“Today, the Force is strong in Democratic People’s Republic,” Kim announced, striking a dramatic pose. “I shall defeat Darth Biden and restore balance to the peninsula!”
North Korea’s state-approved version of Star Wars, titled “Galactic Socialist Hero Kim’s Glorious Space Destiny,” has become a national treasure — primarily because Kim plays every single protagonist.
In this cinematic masterpiece, Kim Jong Un takes on the role of Luke Skywalker, the humble moisture farmer from Tatooine turned intergalactic freedom fighter — though in this version, the moisture farm is a missile silo and the freedom is “freedom from Western imperialist fast food chains.”
In the prequels, Kim portrays Obi-Wan Kenobi, mentoring himself as young Anakin Skywalker (also played by Kim), which has caused understandable confusion among North Korean citizens, many of whom have been arrested for asking too many questions about the continuity.
In a particularly bold move, Kim also cast himself as Rey Skywalker in The Force Awakens, donning a wig and a sand-colored tunic while insisting he was “the spiritual granddaughter of socialist excellence.”
However, sources inside the regime confirmed that The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker were never filmed, with Kim allegedly declaring: “Even the Great Leader cannot redeem movies that bad. Better we leave Skywalker saga in heroic ambiguity than suffer Disney’s war crimes.”
Critics — the two remaining ones in North Korea not imprisoned for saying “meh” — have noted that in Kim’s version, the Force is powered by “the eternal wisdom of Juche ideology,” and every lightsaber is fueled by “unfiltered nationalism and suspicious uranium.”
Meanwhile, U.S. officials responded by saying they “respect every culture’s right to celebrate Star Wars Day, even when it’s being used as a bizarre propaganda vehicle by a man who once claimed to golf 18 holes-in-one.”
At press time, Kim was seen filming his next scene while piloting a TIE fighter made from refrigerator parts, yelling, “Use the Force, comrades!” and dramatically Force-choking a cardboard cutout of Elon Musk.
