CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a move that has left academia reeling and most tenured professors gently weeping into their elbow-patched blazers, Harvard University announced this week that Joe Rogan, famed podcaster, elk enthusiast, and casual DMT cosmonaut, has officially joined the faculty as a tenured professor of “Everything Studies.”
University officials say the decision came after Rogan’s podcast The Joe Rogan Experience surpassed both the Bible and pornography as the most consumed media on Earth. “We simply had no choice,” said Harvard Dean of Uncontrollable Trends, Dr. Bradley McSmug. “At this point, refusing Joe Rogan a faculty position would be like refusing gravity.”
Rogan, who accepted the position while in a hyperbaric chamber filled with elk jerky and ayahuasca fumes, said he was “stoked” to bring his unique approach to higher education. “I’m not really into traditional lectures,” Rogan explained while kettlebell swinging a confused philosophy student. “Class will mostly be three-hour conversations with a dude who invented a sleep mask that lets you astral project into the astral planes of ancient Sparta.”
The new curriculum, officially titled Bachelor of Bro Science and Existential Kickboxing, includes courses like:
- Quantum Mechanics and Mushrooms
- Advanced Conspiratology
- Alpha Male Posturing 101
- Introduction to Carnivore Diet Theology
- Spotify Negotiations as Performance Art
Students will be graded on their ability to deadlift while reciting Carl Jung quotes and their resistance to 14-hour conversations about the benefits of cold plunges.
Critics argue that hiring Rogan undermines academic credibility, but supporters insist it’s a bold evolution in education. “We’ve had enough of books and facts,” said sophomore Chad “Meatstack” Henderson. “Professor Rogan showed me that real knowledge comes from talking to a former Navy SEAL about alien pyramids for six hours straight.”
Plans are already in motion for an online Joe Rogan University (JRU), where degrees are awarded based on podcast minutes streamed and successful completion of the “Elon Musk Smokes a Joint” capstone project.
Harvard has also confirmed that next semester’s commencement speaker will be a sentient kettlebell that once had a vision quest with Joe in the Arizona desert.
