WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Joe Biden momentarily drifted into what onlookers described as “grandfather autopilot,” asking a staffer to “change the diapers, pronto,” while holding a copy of the latest economic forecast.
Sources close to Biden say the confusion began after an aide handed him a manila folder labeled “Fiscal Priorities for Q3,” which Biden reportedly sniffed, frowned at, and said, “This one’s loaded. Better bag it and tag it, champ” before apparently taking a massive shit in his own pants.
The White House quickly clarified that the Biden was merely using “colorful, metaphorical language” to describe the current state of America’s deficit, although press photographers captured images of two junior aides quietly Googling “how to change a diaper” after a thick, brown substance began to collect in the heels of Biden’s Velcro loafers.
White House Press Secretary later added, “The former President is in full command of his duties — and of any metaphors that involve diapers, daycare, or “duty”. The latter of which was indeed a poor choice of words. Please don’t print that. What are you doing? Hey, no, wait a second. Please stop. I only meant-”
Meanwhile, conservatives seized on the moment, with several pundits calling for an official diaper audit of all future press briefings while tagging Pampers across various social media platforms.
At press time, Biden was seen inspecting a bottle of Ensure and asking if it was “from the Defense budget or the snack table.”
