WASHINGTON D.C. — First Daughter Ivanka Trump has publicly broken ranks with her father, President Donald Trump, over the issue of illegal immigration — not for humanitarian reasons, mind you, but because she really, really needs her luxury handbags sewn properly and on the cheap by Mexican children.
In a press event that appeared to be held inside the showroom of a Nordstrom she allegedly hasn’t paid rent to in three years, Ivanka made her case for letting more undocumented immigrants into the United States — specifically Mexican children under the age of 12.
“We need more of the, um, Mexico kids,” Ivanka said while adjusting a handbag that cost more than the annual income of her average factory worker. “Their little fingers are, like, really good at sewing, you know? Like, strong. Stronger than the, uh, Chinese ones. And they don’t, like, complain about working or ask for breaks every, like, twelve hours or whatever.”
The First Daughter continued, “I think the kids are just super grateful to, like, have a job and support their fams back in the continent of Mexico or wherever. It’s very inspiring, actually.”
Ivanka, who once described herself as a “creative visionary and also maybe a scientist,” went on to request special tariff exemptions from her own father’s administration. “It’s, like, totally unfair that I have to pay taxes on the cute bags they make. Like, how am I supposed to keep the price at $1200 if I have to pay these kids more than, like, $4 a day? That’s basic economics. I learned that at, like, beauty school once.”
Sources inside the White House confirm that President Trump initially thought his daughter was joking, until she handed him a limited-edition clutch with “#NoTariffsDaddy” embroidered on it in glitter thread. According to staff, the President paused, sniffed the handbag like it was a Big Mac, and said, “Well, it’s made in America now. Mexico is basically part of Florida.”
When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Department of Labor burst into tears and simply walked out of the room. Later, President Trump took to Truth Social to post that his daughter’s handbags are almost as smooth as her legs. He then went on a long-winded string of posts without using any punctuation to claim that he would be dating Ivanka if it weren’t for the whole “being biologically related” as his offspring thing.
Ivanka ended her remarks with what can only be described as a valedictorian speech from the University of Incoherent Privilege: “Honestly, like, if we can’t use Mexican kids for handbags, then what’s even the point of freedom?”
