MAR-A-LAGO, FL. — The Republican Party has introduced sweeping new legislation that would lower the legal age of consent to 16 within the United States and a vaguely unspecified age of “considerably younger” within its territories, namely the Virgin Islands. This change in consenting adulthood would include a range of activities, including purchasing and consuming alcohol, operating a motor vehicle, entering casinos, and traveling internationally to “any location with palm trees and plausible deniability.”
Dubbed the Freedom to Date Whomever the President Met on an Island That Doesn’t Exist Act, the bill is being fast-tracked through Congress under the proud banner of “limited government, limitless margaritas.”
The bill also includes a provision making it legally required for education faculty to hand out Mar-a-Lago waitress applications at middle school graduations nationwide.
“It’s about freedom,” Trump declared, standing in front of a Claire’s Accessory Store being built into his Palm Springs Mar-a-Lago Club. Trump went on saying:
“Young people these days are very mature. Many even read at a ninth grade level before they graduate elementary school and others can do multiplication without the use of counting their figures. Very impressive. Ivanka can’t even do that.”
When pressed by reporters on the timing of the move, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt insisted that the new law was “absolutely not connected” to the impending release of Epstein’s guest lists, flight manifests, or surveillance footage of a 5’10” man in an over-sized tacky blue suit with orange makeup escorting pre-teens down the beaches of Little Saint James.
Furthermore, the bill also includes a separate but curious provision for expedited travel visas for 16-year-olds heading to the U.S. Virgin Islands, which lawmakers have expressed a sudden, profound interest in. In fact, many within the GOP are calling for an official name change for the territory.
“Let’s be honest, calling them the ‘Virgin’ Islands at this point feels like false advertising,” said Speaker Mike Johnson while sporting a tank top and sun tan lotion on his nose. “We propose renaming them the ‘Freedom Islands’—or maybe the ‘Mildly Experienced Archipelago.’ The branding needs to reflect the… modern reality.”
Meanwhile, insiders report that the bill’s co-sponsor, Sen. Ted “Cancun Cruiser” Cruz (R-TX), is already planning a celebratory “Spring Break Freedom Tour” targeting high school parking lots across red states. “It’s time to unshackle our youth,” Cruz said, while polishing his shot glass collection. “They deserve a taste of liberty—and maybe a little tequila too.”
As of press time, the legislation was reportedly polling very well among Republican voters aged 50 and above as well as 16-year-old TikTok influencers. However, the legislation has also tested very poorly among literally everyone else with a functioning frontal lobe.
This story is still unfolding with more news to come, assuming our journalists don’t mysteriously vanish first.
