May 11, 2025 | Washington, D.C. — Former President Barack Obama has reportedly reached his limit with Joe Biden’s late-night visits, claiming his former VP keeps appearing on his doorstep in a panic, shouting about Prohibition and frantically dumping out the Obamas’ wine collection “before the feds raid the place.”
“Joe’s convinced it’s 1929,” Obama told reporters. “I woke up at 2 a.m. last Thursday to find him in my kitchen pouring a $3,000 bottle of Bordeaux down the sink while whispering, ‘They’re coming, Barry. The G-men know everything.’”
Sources close to the situation confirm that Biden’s increasingly frequent dementia-induced time warps have left the former first family exasperated. Historical records, of course, place the actual Prohibition era between 1920 and 1933, but aides note Biden occasionally forgets that it’s been nearly 100 years since he first ran in Congress during the ratification of the 18th Amendment—despite this, Biden frequently reminds anyone in ear shot that he “voted against speakeasies in ‘31.”
“He’s so old, he thinks Ken Burns is a newscaster,” Obama sighed. “And now every week, without fail, he shows up dressed like a flapper or a Pinkerton agent yelling, ‘Hide the cider, Michelle! It’s Hoover’s men!’”
Michelle Obama, meanwhile, is said to be at her wits’ end. “We’ve spent decades collecting fine wine,” she reportedly told friends. “And every damn Sunday night, here comes Joe—smelling like Werther’s Originals and Aqua Velva—shuffling into our cellar like a Depression-era snitch. Last week, he dumped out a 1997 Château Margaux and said, ‘This bathtub gin’s gonna get us all locked up.’”
In a last-ditch effort to track Biden’s nightly escapades, Michelle has taken drastic measures by secretly installing a “Where’s My” app on his phone. The location tracker pings whenever he escapes the Delaware nursing home after 1:00 a.m., alerting his grandchildren Esther (age 94) and Maurice (age 89), who have since taken shifts trying to keep “Pops” from raiding yet another suburban wine cellar.
A spokesperson for the White House, now under the Trump administration, responded to inquiries with a short statement from current President Donald Trump Himself:
“The former President, “Sleepy Joe”, as I like to call him, because he is always sleepy, always tired, always nodding off in place he doesn’t belong. He wasn’t actually the President, by the way. Rigged election. Horrible fraud from the Democrats. Ya know, there hasn’t been any fraud since I have been President. A lot of people say so. Have you guys seen my $TRUMP meme coin? Now is a great time to buy, all the experts say so.”
At press time, Biden was last seen boarding an Amtrak headed toward Napa Valley, clutching a funnel and humming “Happy Days Are Here Again.”
