WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump Administration’s newly appointed Head of Sexual Education and Wellness, Dr. Randy P. Whetstone, declared that the female orgasm is “largely a myth perpetuated by Hollywood and liberal college textbooks.”
“After extensive research — including interviews with fraternity brothers and select internet message boards — we have found no concrete evidence to support the idea that women experience pleasure in the same way men do,” Dr. Whetstone stated confidently, gesturing toward a pie chart labeled “Things Women Enjoy: Shopping, Talking, Definitely Not Sex.”
The press conference, held in a Wal-Mart Tire Center turned educational venue, included visual aids such as anatomically inaccurate diagrams and a VHS copy of American Pie. Dr. Whetstone, who notably has no medical degree but claims to have “watched a lot of HBO late at night in the ’90s,” insisted that the female orgasm is “as real as Trump winning the 2020 election against Joe Biden, which was obviously stolen! Probably by liberal women!”
The announcement was met with swift backlash from medical professionals, feminist organizations, and every woman who has ever faked it to avoid another 20 minutes of pointless thrusting. “This is not only scientifically incorrect, it’s also depressingly predictable,” said Dr. Lisa Morano, an actual sexologist. “Men refusing to understand the basics of the female body is not a government policy issue — it’s just a national tragedy.”
When asked to comment, former President Trump said, “Look, a lot of people are talking about it, okay? They’re saying it’s fake. I don’t know, but people are saying it. Very smart people. You ever see an orgasm? I’ve never seen one. Sounds fake, very fake. Just more liberal woke mumbo-jumbo, if you ask me.”
At press time, the administration announced plans to launch an educational website titled “Make Orgasms Great Again,” which is rumored to consist solely of links to The Apprentice clips and a coupon for Axe Body Spray.
