Fremont, CA — May 11, 2025 — Authorities were baffled Thursday night after reports emerged that a man “closely resembling but legally distinct from” Elon Musk was spotted theatrically pouring gasoline around a local Tesla dealership while muttering about “cybernetic betrayal” and “critical race theory in windshield wipers.”
The man, described by witnesses as “looking exactly like Elon Musk if he had just finished the tutorial boss in Path of Exile 2 after trying for 36 hours,” was seen pacing around a Model Y while shouting, “This is what happens when you bully me on Twitter! I mean X, god damn it! Why won’t you call it X? It’s the coolest letter!”
Shortly after the incident, CCTV cam footage leaked on Twitter confirming it was Musk who did the torching of his own dealership. Elon Musk issued an official statement deflecting for several hours claiming it was not him and clearly AI which “anyone with a Neuralink brain chip would know”, said Musk.
Eventually, Musk caved and admitted to the arson, blaming the event on a “highly contagious left-wing woke mind virus” that allegedly caused him to momentarily believe Tesla was producing feelings instead of vehicles.
“This virus has infiltrated everything,” the statement read. “First it came for Twitter, I mean X. Then for Mars. And now it’s hiding inside heated seat subscriptions. Wake up, sheeple.”
While police say no charges have been filed—largely due to “legal ambiguity about what counts as a dealership when all the cars are already on fire”—one officer noted the suspect left behind a prototype Neuralink device labeled “Beta 13: Emotional Firewall.”
Tesla representatives declined to comment, though one employee was overheard asking if this would delay the next stock split or just count as “another Tuesday.”
