BOISE, ID — A rising wave of dream-based infidelity accusations has plunged countless marriages into a surreal cold war, with wives waking up furious over imaginary affairs and husbands waking up to icy glares, thrown pillows, and threats of “emotional probation.”
“I woke up at 6:12 a.m. and just knew he’d been with someone else… in my dream,” said Amanda Schultz, still visibly shaking.
“He was feeding her strawberries on a gondola in Venice. He knows I’m allergic to strawberries. It was a slap in the face.”
Her husband, Trevor Schultz, appeared visibly tired and irritated during a hastily arranged front porch press conference. “I was dreaming about putting socks in a drawer,” he stated flatly. “But apparently I was also getting a tattoo of ‘Heather’ on my dream buttcheek and calling her ‘my queen’ in some alternate romantic timeline?”
Women across the country are now openly confronting their partners with vivid dream evidence of passionate affairs, despite the fact that the husbands were unconscious and deeply committed to doing absolutely nothing wrong.
“He said he’d never met her,” said Jessica Malone of Charlotte, fuming as she scrolled through a text message she typed but never sent.
“But in my dream, she looked just like his third cousin’s ex-girlfriend from 2008. Coincidence? I don’t think so.”
Jessica’s husband, Rob, expressed frustration. “I’m sleeping on the couch because I apparently cheated on her in a hot air balloon above a rainforest while wearing cargo shorts. I’ve never even been in a hot air balloon. I’m afraid of wicker.”
Some men have begun forming support groups, sharing notes and defensive strategies.
“Last week, I got screamed at for kissing a fictional coworker named Madison in a dream she had,” said Derrick Fields of Kansas City. “I work from home. My only coworker is the dog.”
Meanwhile, wives maintain they’re completely justified. “You don’t understand,” insisted Dana Vickers, eyes wild.
“I felt it. I watched him pull that hussy into a jacuzzi and say, ‘You smell like lavender and betrayal.’ It was like I was right there.”
Marriage counselors report a spike in appointments labeled simply “DREAM INFIDELITY.”
“It’s exhausting,” said therapist Lenora Wexley. “I had one couple who nearly divorced over a dream where the husband was seen ‘emotionally caressing’ a barmaid named ‘Velvet.’ He claims he dreamed about cereal.”
In a growing number of households, innocent husbands are being booted from their beds, punished for their alleged REM transgressions. Many now spend nights in the guest room, surrounded by unfolded laundry, muttering things like “I don’t even know a Yasmine.”
“I’m done apologizing,” said Kevin Dorn of Salt Lake City. “If she dreams I cheated again, I’m retaliating with a dream where she elopes with Post Malone.”
At press time, over 14,000 men had been forced to send flowers to their wives for what one husband described as “crimes committed by my subconscious while I was drooling into a pillow.”
As for the wives? “We just want them to take accountability,” said Rachel Nguyen, while blocking her husband on Facebook for something he didn’t do in reality. “You don’t have to understand it. You just have to be sorry.”
