Washington, D.C. — The Deep State™, an underground cabal of secret and influential political members, has come forward out of the shadows and into the light to release an official statement Monday morning claiming that the Democratic Party is “almost entirely comprised of humanoid reptilian beings from the Zeta Reticuli star system.” Though they have apparently been living several miles beneath the earth’s surface for the last 2,000-3,000 years or so.
Within hours, former President Bill Clinton and his still-unconvicted email cartel ringleader and co-conspirator wife Hillary Clinton held a press conference to vehemently deny the accusations—before angrily pulling back their human skin suits while croaking in unison at reporters.
“This isn’t about being lizards,” croaked Hillary, before shooting her tongue out to catch a fly perched on the ceiling. “This is about respect. We identify as an amphibian-class, cold-blooded dynastic elites, not reptiles. There’s a difference. Read a biology book.”
President Donald Trump, now in his second term after successfully arguing to the Supreme Court that the 2020 election was “just practice,” responded by tweeting from the newly reinstated “Freedom Phone” platform:
“Hillary is NOT who she says she is. People are saying—many people, very smart people—that she is not even human. Strange “ribbiting” sounds, cold slimy hands, loves the swamp.
Crooked Hillary? more like croaking hillary!
#DrainTheSwampLiterally #lockherup”
Karoline Leavitt, Trump’s Botox-injected Press Secretary, addressed the chaos in a briefing that lasted three hours, and ended with her biting a journalist for NPR before removing their White House Press credentials.
“President Trump has always said the Deep State is run by interdimensional pedophile lizards. We just didn’t know they were also Democrats. And technically frogs, apparently. But now it all makes sense. The Clinton Foundation? Obviously a terrarium. Epstein Island? A breeding ground. Barack Obama? Jury’s still out, but we’re checking for gills.”
When asked to elaborate on how the Deep State reached this conclusion, Leavitt gestured toward a corkboard covered in red yarn, tarot cards, and stills from Ancient Aliens.
“This is science. Real science. Not the Fauci-woke kind. Half the people in our administration are legit journalists who expose this sort of thing every day on Fox News and Info Wars. These are people who know things.”
Meanwhile, Vice President JD Vance broke his weeklong silence with a three-minute monologue on Fox Nation’s new segment the Hannity Hunch, saying:
“We always suspected they weren’t Human. Hillary was particularly obvious. Worst face mask I have ever seen… And now, we all finally see the swamp creatures they truly are.
And Let’s not forget her emails.”
While most Americans responded with a collective shrug—citing “emotional exhaustion” and “everything feels fake now anyway”—Wall Street stocks in frog repellent spiked 600%, and sales of infrared goggles hit a ten-year high.
At press time, the Clintons had vanished into a sewer grate near the Capitol Building, shouting something about genital warts and Hillary’s webbed vagina.
