In a stunningly unhinged interview that sounded more like a fever dream shouted into a crystal skull, Bill Gates unloaded on Elon Musk, blaming the billionaire for “the mass spreadsheet-assisted extermination of the world’s poorest babies” and accusing DOGE coin of being “a crypto project so geographically stupid it once tried to invest in Atlantis.”
Gates, reportedly wearing a lab coat and whispering into a potted plant named Steve, told The New York Times that Musk “personally took the USAID budget, stuffed it into a Tesla Cybertruck, and drove it off a cliff made entirely of malaria medicine and hope.” He claimed Musk’s now-defunct “Department of Government Efficiency” was less about reform and more about “chaotically mashing buttons labeled ‘Delete Poor People.’”
“Babies in Mozambique lost access to HIV meds because Elon thought Gaza Province was a nightclub in Tel Aviv,” Gates hissed, unblinking. “The man saw the word ‘condoms’ in a report and thought it was a prank. He slashed the funding and high-fived a Mars rock.”
When asked why Musk made these decisions, Gates suggested it was because “he didn’t get invited to Burning Man and decided to cancel Sub-Saharan Africa out of spite.”
The Microsoft founder also blasted DOGE coin, calling it “a Shiba Inu-powered black hole of brain cells,” and “a crypto that believes the equator is a government hoax.” He went on: “DOGE isn’t just stupid—it’s interdimensionally stupid. It causes IQ drops in a 40-foot radius. I once saw a man lose the ability to do basic math just by saying ‘much coin, very wealth.’”
Gates continued his rant by accusing Musk of destabilizing multiple governments, confusing Uruguay with Uranus, and funding a top-secret project called “NeuralInk Junior”—a chip that teaches toddlers to invest in NFTs using Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
At press time, Musk had not responded to the accusations, though he did post a cryptic tweet reading, “I did not delete Africa. I upgraded it to Africa 2.0. Coming Q3.” It was immediately followed by a meme of a crying baby Photoshopped onto a rocket labeled “personal responsibility.”
DOGE, meanwhile, issued a statement via GIF of a dog in sunglasses eating a burrito on the Moon.
More on this story as it disintegrates into cosmic nonsense.
