Cupertino, CA — May 11, 2025 — Apple Inc. (NASDAQ: AAPL) saw its stock price skyrocket 12% in early morning trading after CEO Tim Cook took the stage at a surprise press conference and solemnly swore on a stack of discontinued iPod Shuffles that the next iPhone will feature not one, not two, but six camera lenses.
“Three lenses was for amateurs and Android users,” Cook declared, flanked by a rotating pedestal holding what appeared to be a prototype iPhone 17 with more glass than an optometrist’s showroom. “With six lenses, we’re not just capturing reality. We’re capturing what reality wished it looked like.”
Investors erupted with joy, calling the move “a bold reinvention of the wheel we just bought last September.” Wall Street analysts predict that by iPhone 20, the device will have more optics than a James Webb telescope.
Apple’s press release confirmed the phone’s new hexa-lens array includes one for wide shots, one for zoom, one for macros, and three “mystery lenses” which Cook said “may or may not let you capture souls at the press of a button.” Meanwhile, Samsung responded by promising a 7-lens phone and Google quietly began beta-testing a camera that can detect whether a user is HIV positive.
Despite consumer fatigue over yearly upgrades, Apple fans have already began to line up outside stores months before release, with one man claiming, “I don’t even know what the phone does anymore, but I need it. My current phone only has three lenses and I look like a damn fool.”
At press time, Apple’s marketing team was reportedly debating whether to name the new feature “HexaSight,” “Lensemble,” or simply “The Future.”
