VATICAN CITY — The Catholic Church may soon face an unprecedented crisis, as newly elected Pope Leo XIV—formerly Cardinal Robert Prevost of Chicago—has threatened to resign after only five days in office, citing what he calls a “culinary wasteland of thin-crust heresy.”
“I’ve given this city every chance,” Leo XIV told reporters while visibly holding back tears and marinara-induced rage. “But how the hell am I supposed to lead over a billion souls when I can’t even find a slice that doesn’t look like a Lunchable gone wrong?”
Prevost, 69, was elected after a surprise conclave that sought to inject some Midwestern humility—and possibly sausage—into the papacy. But hopes for a smooth transition quickly collapsed as the Pope was confronted with the stark reality of Roman pizza: wafer-thin, sparsely topped, and utterly lacking in cheese layers that double as insulation.
“He kept asking when the crust was going to arrive,” said Father Alessandro Venti, a Vatican aide who was present during the Pope’s first official dinner. “When we told him that was the crust, he just stared at it and whispered, ‘This is a test. The Lord is testing me.’”
By Day Three, Vatican insiders say Leo XIV had already begun requesting Vatican drivers to take him to “anywhere with a pizza worth confessing over.” On Day Four, he reportedly tried to DoorDash a stuffed crust pie from O’Hare International Airport. And on Day Five, he declared he was “prepared to renounce the Throne of Saint Peter if somebody doesn’t bring me a goddamn Lou Malnati’s by noon.”
In a hastily called emergency meeting with cardinals, the Pope outlined his grievances in what one attendee described as “half theological manifesto, half Yelp review.” He ended the session by slamming a plate of caprese salad to the ground and yelling, “This is just wet leaves, brother!”
The Vatican’s press office is in full damage control mode, issuing a statement urging the faithful to remain calm. “His Holiness is a man of deep faith, strong convictions, and regional food preferences. We ask for prayers—and possibly expedited customs clearance for an incoming shipment from Lou Malnati’s.”
While some inside the Curia are alarmed by the Pope’s abrupt ultimatum, others are sympathetic. “We knew electing a Chicagoan came with risks,” admitted Cardinal Giuseppe Benedetti. “But we didn’t think deep dish withdrawal would be the hill he died on.”
As of this writing, Pope Leo XIV has refused to attend any further liturgical events until “someone brings me a slice thick enough to drown in, with enough cheese to violate canon law.”
He concluded his most recent homily with an impassioned plea:
“Blessed are the thick-crusted, for they shall inherit my heart. And lo, if thy sauce runneth thin, thou art excommunicated from my table.”
