VATICAN CITY — In a historic and utterly unprecedented act of divine whimsy, the College of Cardinals has elected Robert Prevost of Chicago as the first-ever American Pope, who will henceforth be known as Pope Leo XIV, Patron Saint of Deep Dish, Drive-Thrus, and Discount Tires.
The moment the white smoke emerged from the Sistine Chapel chimney, it carried with it the unmistakable scent of barbecue sauce and freedom. Thousands erupted into chants of “U! S! A!” while Kid Rock’s “Born Free” spontaneously played from the Vatican bells — a miracle some are already calling “The Ballad of the Blessed Bass Drop.”
Pope Leo XIV, a 69-year-old Augustinian with dual citizenship in Peru and the United States, addressed the crowd in Italian and Spanish, but oddly not English, which analysts say was a subtle act of penance for the sins of American fast food. He greeted pilgrims with a heartfelt “Peace be with you,” then reportedly shotgunned a can of LaCroix and blessed a crowd member’s Bears jersey.
Conclave Chaos
Sources say the conclave’s early votes were inconclusive due to a heated debate between cardinals backing candidates from various countries, until Prevost secured the win by promising free Wi-Fi at Mass and replacing incense with essential oils. Voting sped up significantly once he offered to “Venmo the Holy Spirit” for divine clarity.
The process took just under 24 hours — a record in modern conclave history — after the cardinals were shown a PowerPoint labeled “Ten Reasons Why America Deserves a Pope Now (With Memes).” Several cardinals reportedly changed their votes after learning Prevost had once survived a Chicago winter with nothing but a cassock and a cup of Dunkin’.
Papal Platform: “Bridge-Building and Bratwursts”
Leo XIV has stated he hopes to be a “Pope of Labor,” following in the footsteps of Pope Leo XIII — but with a slightly more Midwestern spin. Vatican insiders say his first executive act may involve canonizing St. Dolly Parton and hosting a chili cook-off in the Papal Gardens.
His chosen name, Leo XIV, reportedly beat out other contenders including “Pope Chad,” “Innocent XL,” and “John Paul George Ringo.” Vatican historians note that while Leo XIII fought for workers’ rights in the 19th century, Leo XIV will fight for two-hour lunch breaks, unionized altar servers, and mandatory “casual cassock Fridays.”
Global Reaction: America Wept, Vatican Installed a Drive-Thru Confessional
President Donald Trump issued a Truth Social statement praising the appointment: “Tremendous pope. Best pope. He’s American, which makes him automatically holier than the others. Probably knows golf. Vatican will be more profitable than ever.”
Secretary of State Marco Rubio congratulated the new pope, adding, “This is a pivotal moment in geopolitics. Finally, a pope who understands fantasy football, Costco, and the power of a backyard grill.”
Looking Ahead: A Red, White, and Holy Era
While some Vatican traditionalists have expressed concern over the new pontiff’s rumored plan to turn Castel Gandolfo into a theme park called “GraceLand,” millions around the globe are celebrating what they see as a long-overdue spiritual crossover event.
Next month, Pope Leo XIV is expected to embark on his first papal tour aboard the newly commissioned “Popemobile 3000” — a custom Ford F-150 with bulletproof windows and a built-in Eucharist dispenser.
As one tearful Chicagoan pilgrim said while waving a Vatican-American flag hybrid stitched from a Cubs banner and an old rosary: “This changes everything. The Holy Spirit now speaks with a Midwestern accent. And honestly? That’s beautiful.”
Amen, and pass the hot dogs.
