WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an extraordinary display of self-awareness bypass, 47th US President Donald J. Trump publicly condemned Hillary Clinton this morning for allegedly accepting “highly inappropriate political gifts,” while simultaneously christening his second gifted luxury aircraft—this time, a brand-new, gold-trimmed Boeing 747 from none other than Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg.
“It’s disgusting, folks. Crooked Hillary accepted a decorative bowl of pears or a scarf or some nonsense from a donor back in, what, 2015? Total corruption. Lock her up? Still very much on the table,” Trump said, his voice echoing in front of the plane’s crystal-lined atrium. “Meanwhile, I get a modest, simple Boeing 747 from my good friend Kelly Ortberg—a real patriot—and the fake news media wants to make a big deal out of it? Give me a break.”
Speaking from the tarmac outside his latest airborne palace, Trump later addressed reporters by saying “Look, we all agree that I am a stand-up guy. Probably one of the best. Many people say so. But if I didn’t accept this luxurious gift, and it is luxurious, let me tell you, I would come off very rude to Boeing CEO Ortberg, who is a really great guy, good friend of mine, nice guy. And I am not about to insult him by not taking this plane from him, especially since the floors, handles, doors, and sink are all already engraved with “Trump 2028” on them.”
Trump went on for another twelve and a half minutes talking about the gas mileage of the plane and how it would be “the most eco-friendly plane you have ever seen, perhaps ever” before moving on to it’s more special features.
“And each bathroom comes with a photo of my lovely daughter, Ivanka in a bikini. She’s really beautiful, though I don’t think Kushner does a good job pleasing her. She’s a lot of woman, too much for him. But that’s beside the point.”
The Boeing 747, unofficially nicknamed Air Force 9-and-a-Half, comes just days after President Trump accepted a different luxury plane, valued at over $400 million, from a coalition of Qatari dignitaries. Asked whether two extravagant aircraft gifts in under a week might raise legal or ethical questions, Trump dismissed concerns entirely.
“The Qatari plane was a gift of peace, this one is a gift of American jobs,” Trump clarified. “Very different. Totally legal. Plus, I didn’t ask for them. I simply said out loud that I needed a plane with a wet bar, a tanning bed, and an onboard Arby’s. Then—boom—they show up. That’s called manifesting, okay? It’s spiritual. You ever read The Secret? Me neither. Fell asleep during the movie, too. Terrible movie.”
Trump’s earlier remarks about Clinton were equally vague with further ranting and referencing “an illegal throw pillow from Switzerland” and “some gold-plated hummus bowls” she supposedly received during her tenure as Secretary of State—none of which have ever been substantiated. “She took a coaster once. People forget that,” Trump added. “That coaster had nuclear launch codes, probably.”
Legal experts are split on whether the Ortberg jet could constitute a violation of the Constitution’s Emoluments Clause, but Trump brushed aside such concerns. “People don’t even know what an emolument is,” he said. “Sounds like a rash. I don’t have it. Case closed.”
Critics were quick to point out that accepting gifts from both foreign leaders and American corporate executives could create massive conflicts of interest, but Trump assured the nation that he had everything “under control.”
“If I ever feel conflicted, I’ll just fly one of the planes to Mar-a-Lago, relax in the champagne room, and think it through. That’s called executive leadership.”
At press time, Trump was seen mingling with the visibly uncomfortable female flight staff and directing aides to install a third helipad “just in case Elon Musk wants to be generous next week.”
