Hollywood, CA — Former pop sensation and part-time whipped cream cannon, Katy Perry, has once again found herself in deep water—this time not metaphorically, but potentially several thousand feet below sea level. After her ill-fated attempt to reclaim the spotlight by taking a suborbital joyride on Blue Origin, a Jeff Bezos-funded rocket, Perry has announced she’s going even deeper into her quest for relevance—literally—by volunteering for a voyage aboard OceanGate’s newly unveiled Titan II submersible.
The announcement comes on the heels of Perry referring to herself as an “astronaut” following a 15-second zero-gravity hop into the upper atmosphere with several other obscenely wealthy passengers. “I did this for women everywhere,” Perry declared proudly on Instagram, while standing in front of a Blue Origin capsule still covered in champagne and dollar signs.
Unfortunately for her, women everywhere did not seem to agree.
“I can’t even afford to buy eggs,” wrote one woman on Twitter, “and she thinks she’s the female Buzz Aldrin because she played cosmic beer pong for half a minute?”
The backlash was swift and relentless, with critics pointing out that Perry’s definition of “space travel” was akin to jumping on a trampoline and claiming to be an Olympian. Still, rather than retreat from public view—or even just log off—Perry has doubled down, announcing that she will next descend into the crushing depths of the ocean aboard the Titan II, OceanGate’s bold follow-up to the famously implode-y Titan submersible.
“Yes, the first one catastrophically failed,” Perry acknowledged during a livestream from a bathtub filled with glow sticks, “but this one is different. I’ve been assured by the CEO—who is also a Sea World shareholder and certified scuba influencer—that the Titan II is totally safe. They’ve upgraded from Logitech controllers to Mad Catz. We’re leveling up, babes!”
OceanGate, which apparently found enough couch change to reboot its brand, has been marketing the Titan II as “new, improved, and not yet imploded.” Despite public skepticism, Perry insists her journey to the ocean floor is an act of bravery, not just a desperate bid to trend on TikTok.
“I’m going down for all the girls who’ve ever been told ‘No,’” she said. “No, you can’t sing. No, you can’t go to space. No, you can’t drop $250,000 on a one-way death dive. But I say YES.”
Women everywhere once again responded with a collective eye roll. “We didn’t ask for this,” posted one commenter. “Please stop doing things ‘for us.’ Just release another banger or something.”
As of press time, Perry was reportedly pricing out custom, waterproof performance gear for an impromptu underwater concert entitled Deep Sea Dreams: A Submerged Spectacle, which sources say may feature glow-in-the-dark jellyfish backup dancers and an acoustic version of “E.T.” filtered through the hull of a pressurized vessel.
Whether she makes it back or not, one thing is certain: Katy Perry is committed to going out with a splash—even if it’s at 12,500 feet below sea level.
