Silicon Valley, CA — In what analysts are already calling “the most Elon Musk move since he renamed his child after a Wi-Fi password,” Tesla CEO and part-time Twitter troll Elon Musk is reportedly considering stepping down from his leadership role at Tesla to pursue a full-time career lying about being good at Path of Exile 2.
The news comes after a bombshell report revealed that Musk, who recently claimed he had “soloed Uber Elder with a toothbrush build” and sat atop the PoE 2 leaderboards “for three consecutive seasons,” was in fact paying a 12-year-old Malaysian prodigy named Jayden Tan $6.70 an hour in Dogecoin to play for him.
According to leaked social DMs, Discord messages, and screenshots from the Path of Exile subreddit, Musk allegedly only posed under the username “Fatalismftw” while Jayden was the real mastermind behind the high-level account play. Meanwhile, Musk reportedly used the free time to steal classified government documents via his now-defunct Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), an initiative he launched under the guise of optimizing bureaucracy with “blockchain-fueled flamethrower drones and totally-not-a-surveillance-satellite Teslas.”
A source familiar with the DOGE project, who spoke on condition of anonymity due to fear of being forced to test a Cybertruck parachute, confirmed that Musk routinely accessed restricted databases while tweeting things like “lol just critical-struck God for 1.7M chaos damage 💀 #blessed.”
Tesla board members were said to be blindsided by Musk’s announcement, though at least one appears to have been prepared. “I mean, I sold all my shares to Nancy Pelosi this morning before Musk’s announcement,” said board member Gregory Winthorp. “Figured it would be a good time to dump anyway, after the whole, ‘Sieg Heil’ thing.”
When asked for comment, Pelosi’s office replied only with a cryptic statement: “We do not comment on ongoing stock market prophecies. Any and all fortunes earned through stock trading before market open are merely a coincidence on Speaker Pelosi’s part. Now if you will excuse me, we have a lunch meeting with Nvidia CEO, Jensen Huang, to get to.”
At press time, Jayden Tan was reportedly in negotiations to lead the next Tesla Autopilot AI team, stating, “If I can carry Elon through Uber Elder, I can make a car stay in its lane.” However, this is merely a loose translation from Tan’s native tongue of Malay with one interpreter claiming that what Tan actually said was “death to America, Sieg Heil Führer Musk!”
