WASHINGTON, D.C. — In allegations no one saw coming but somehow everyone immediately believed, a former staffer with ties to the late financier Jeffrey Epstein has come forward claiming that former President George W. Bush was, quote, “shockingly good at throwing absolute bangers — like, keg-stand-at-the-White-House-level parties.”
According to the unnamed source, Bush’s reputation for presidential partying wasn’t just exaggerated frat house folklore — it was real, unhinged, and included frequent repurposing of the Oval Office door as an impromptu beer pong table.
“He’d just pop that thing right off the hinges,” the former staffer said, speaking under condition of anonymity and mild hangover. “Laid it across two stacks of classified documents, tossed some red Solo cups on it, and boom — Mr. President became King Pong. I once saw him sink six cups in a row while quoting ‘Mission Accomplished.’”
Sources close to the situation claim that Bush’s beer of choice was Coors Light, which he allegedly referred to as “Texas Holy Water.” Despite being several cans deep at any given moment, the 43rd President was said to have maintained laser focus during games, delivering high-arc shots with the precision of a drone strike — but, you know, funnier.
“W held the all-time record in White House beer pong,” the source added. “Not even Obama could beat him. And Obama tried. I think Michelle made him stop.”
While the Epstein connection has raised eyebrows, the staffer was quick to clarify: “No, no — George W. wasn’t on those lists. He just borrowed the DJ equipment once. And maybe a few fog machines. Strictly party logistics.”
Historians have declined to comment on the matter, though one anonymous archivist at the Bush Presidential Library did mutter, “We did find a pong ball lodged inside the Truman Desk… make of that what you will.”
When asked for comment, Bush responded with a shrug and a smirk: “I may have invaded Iraq, but I never lost a pong game. Strategery.”
At press time, the former president was reportedly seen in his Texas ranch backyard setting up folding tables and muttering something about “returning to the Pong Hall of Fame, baby.”
