Washington, D.C. — The President of the United States has signed Executive Order #6969-B, effectively granting himself any Republican President “unrestricted access to any and all locker rooms, dressing rooms, changing tents, backstage green rooms, and mildly suspicious broom closets” across the country.
Citing “matters of extreme patriotic importance” and “the right to sniff out potential threats,” the President delivered the announcement while holding a pair of binoculars and standing suspiciously close to a women’s Pilates class.
“This is about safety, freedom, and me being where I the country needs me to be to fight those filthy pervert Democrats,” said President Trump, holding up a laminated badge that reads Chief Changing Room Inspector.
“Look, sometimes the biggest threats to democracy — the worst threats, folks — they’re hiding in places you’d never expect. Like the locker room of a WNBA team. Or backstage at a high school musical. Believe me, I know. I have a very good sense for these things — the best sense.”
The Executive Order reads as follows:
In the unwavering interest of national security, the President hereby grants themselves the absolute and unilateral authority to enter any and all women’s locker and or changing rooms located within the continental United States, U.S. territories, private businesses, and college stadiums.
SECTION 2: ROOM ENTRY OVERRIDE
The President is not subject to:
- Do Not Disturb signs
- Locked doors
- “Keep Out” tape
- Women Only
SECTION 3: SECRET SERVICE PROTOCOL
Should the President encounter any resistance, hesitation, or lack of consent upon entering a room, the Secret Service is authorized to perform the patented Wrist Restrainment Technique™, gently placing the resisting party’s hands behind their back and zip-tied together.
SECTION 4: EXEMPTIONS TO PRIVACY LAWS
All privacy expectations, personal boundaries, or social norms are hereby deemed quaint suggestions from the 20th century. The President may now inspect rooms to:
- Make sure the lights are off
- Sit quietly in the corner and judge
- Look up a skirt or two
- Sniff dirty socks
SECTION 5: OVAL OFFICE REBRANDING
Effective immediately, the term “Oval Office” shall be replaced with “The Everywhere Office,” since technically, wherever the President is standing is now his office (This includes hot tubs and bathrooms).
SECTION 6: CITIZEN COMPLIANCE
Any citizen who dares ask, “Why are you in here?” shall be met with immediately detainment and possible deportation to a country they have never been to or even heard of.
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When asked whether this order might conflict with basic human decency, civil rights, or if it’s just outright creepy that a President may have such power, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt clarified that “the President has every right to oversee areas where clothing is off, because democracy never sleeps, even when people are trying to change out of their gym shorts.” Leavitt then went on an incoherent eight minute rant about the Biden administration failing to protect women before banning NPR from the Press Briefing Room for the 12th time after they asked for one example.
Meanwhile, Mar-a-Lago has been retrofitted with a dozen cameras and two-way mirrors in each bathroom and locker room with signs that read “smile, you are on camera, for democracy”.
