WASHINGTON D.C. — In a press conference held in front of a golden podium adorned with a bald eagle giving a thumbs-up and a visible ‘Made in China’ sticker, 47th President Donald J. Trump vehemently denied the existence of the so-called “Epstein List,” calling it “the fakest of fake news,” and blaming its invention on “the Clinton-Obama-Biden Crime Syndicate — especially the Clintons, especially Hillary, who we all know is behind everything bad, including the California wildfires.”
According to Trump, the alleged list of high-profile individuals who may have been connected to the late financier Jeffrey Epstein is nothing more than “a bedtime story for conspiracy nuts and losers,” despite years of leaked documents, suspicious island flight manifests, and dozens of first-hand eyewitness accounts from victims that seem to suggest otherwise. “There is no list,” Trump said. “Never was a list. I would have released it if it existed — but it doesn’t. If it does exist, it’s fake. Completely fabricated by Crooked Hillary and Sleepy Joe and Barack Hussein Obama. Probably on a floppy disk somewhere in Benghazi.”
In a stunning reversal, 87th U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi, once a vocal advocate for “transparency and the truth,” has now recanted her previous statements about the list, saying she “might have been confusing it with her DoorDash order history.” Her change of heart comes just days after Trump was reportedly seen giving her a thumbs-up and mouthing the words “You’re doing great” while sliding a rolled-up Claire’s receipt into her purse with the words “don’t you dare” written on it in ‘Strawberry Starburst Pink’ lipstick.
The revelation — or rather de-revelation — has sent shockwaves through Trump’s own base, many of whom had championed his vow to “drain the swamp” and finally reveal who was on the Epstein List. “He said he’d release it. We had the t-shirts printed and everything,” said one concerned supporter. “Now he says it never existed? What about the swamp?” Trump clarified: “The swamp is still being drained. Just not that part of the swamp. That part of the swamp was planted by Democrats. Fake swamp.”
When asked about his well-documented social history with Jeffrey Epstein, Trump responded, “We were friends until he did something truly unforgivable. He removed me from his Top 8 on MySpace. Can you believe that? I was number two, right after Alan Dershowitz. Then poof! Gone. Replaced with Bill Clinton. It’s why I became a Republican, you know. Sad.”
Meanwhile, questions continue to swirl about the high-profile arrest and conviction of Epstein’s longtime associate, Ghislaine Maxwell, who is currently serving time for trafficking minors to seemingly no one. Trump assured reporters that this, too, was a “giant misunderstanding,” adding, “She’ll probably be released any day now. She didn’t traffic anyone because — again — there is no list. No list, no crime. Simple logic. I know logic. I’m a stable genius.”
As for Epstein’s infamous jail cell demise, Trump doubled down on the official narrative. “He obviously killed himself. Obviously. Nothing suspicious about guards falling asleep, cameras breaking, and cellmates disappearing. Happens all the time. He was also innocent, by the way, since there’s no list. So he clearly committed suicide in his sleep. Happens all the time, I am told.”
When pressed about rumors that Maxwell might mysteriously perish post-release in another totally convenient and coincidental suicide, Trump dismissed it with a casual wave. “If that happens, it’s just coincidence. Total coincidence. Could happen to anyone. Maybe she trips on a rug. Maybe she chokes on a croissant or accidentally shoots herself in the back of the head while cleaning her gun. It happens. Nothing to do with me. Or my Saudi Arabian billionaire buddies. Not me, not Tom Hanks. Especially not me.”
Despite mounting confusion, the administration remains firm in its messaging: There is no Epstein List. It never existed. And if it did, it was the Clintons. But it doesn’t. So stop asking.
