WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a plot twist that feels both completely implausible and yet somehow very on-brand for 2025, Elon Musk has been granted full custody of Barron Trump following a messy and very public breakup with current U.S. President Donald J. Trump — a split that played out almost entirely online in a volatile back-and-forth between Musk’s X (formerly Twitter, formerly functional) and Trump’s Truth Social (That Thing Your Uncle Uses).
The split began earlier this week with a passive-aggressive social media spat that spiraled into full-blown digital warfare. Musk tweeted, “Some leaders pave the way for the future. Others are stuck yelling at microwaves.” Trump clapped back on Truth Social with, “Elon is a low-energy weirdo with a car that explodes and a personality that doesn’t. Sad!”
What started as petty online shade turned serious when Musk casually posted a photo of himself and Barron inside a Tesla Cybertruck, captioned: “Weekend with the kiddo. 🚀💙 #Bonding”
“I told him—take Eric. TAKE ERIC! But Barron? No. He’s my tallest, most hauntingly beautiful son,” Trump raged during an emergency press briefing from the White House lawn. “And then Elon… he rigged it. He rigged the whole thing. Just like the electi—uh… I mean… something else. Something totally different and also unfair.”
But it wasn’t election fraud this time — it was Big Balls, newly appointed head of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), who discovered a loophole in the Alternative Guardianship Fast-Track Act, a dusty provision from 2018 that legally allows “any high-net-worth individual to assume custody of an emotionally unclaimed adult under 25 if they offer broadband, mentorship, and a meal without cameras.”
“Elon had the paperwork. Barron had the sadness. I just did the math,” Big Balls told reporters while hitting his vape.
Melania Trump issued no statement, only updating her Instagram bio to read: “Barron’s former co-parent ✌️.”
As for Barron—who now goes by XB-1—he will now reportedly live in a sensory-deprivation orb where he can code blockchain poetry and occasionally play laser tag with a clones of Grimes.
“my new dad lets me customize my emotions,” XB-1 posted cryptically. “old dad made me pose next to Kid Rock. do the math.”
Trump, devastated, is said to be considering a countersuit — or at the very least, tweeting about it loudly until the courts “feel bad.” Insiders say he’s now redirecting his fatherly energy toward Don Jr., who responded by screaming “YES!” while attempting a backflip into a MAGA-branded kiddie pool.
At press time, Elon and XB-1 were seen boarding a self-driving rocket labeled “BLOODLINE V2”, while President Trump yelled from the White House balcony, “You’ll regret this, Elon! You’ll see! YOU CAN’T JUST TAKE A TRUMP!”
And somewhere, quietly and finally, Eric whispered, “Maybe now… he’ll love me.”
